It's the first day of 2017 and here I am, down and frustrated.
This was my second time to celebrate new year without my father.
He died last September 4, 2015.
Two years and twenty days of his death, I will be married.
Now, why I am down?
I don't know myself anymore.
There's a lot of things to be grateful for but my emotions are just really strong.
I am not happy with my life.
I have been browsing some of my posts from 2010 here, the feelings seven years ago and until today were just the same.
I have been asking God to take me but He said He cannot take me yet with the kind of character that I have.
I am very blessed with life
I am marrying a man who is very attentive to me and productive.
A lot of women were actually jealous of me because of the way he shows his love for me.
But for some reason, I still feel broken.
We always fight.
I am very selfish towards him.
I always feel his attacking me.
I don't feel secure of his love.
I feel I am not enough for him and that he will also follow his father's footsteps.
I feel not liked by his family.
I am having a hard time trusting him.
I feel that anytime soon he will leave me.
I feel he's just there for me now because he has started to take care of me already.
And so on..
Why am I feeling these?
But I said YES to him when he proposed to me.
Am I really ready for marriage?
Am I not yet healed from the painful event happened when my father died?
Is God still with me in this very moment of my life?
Those are just one of the most heartbreaking questions I have this very moment.
I love him but what should I do when my negative emotions are eating me up alive?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
Where is the Carla that is so secure in God's love and find her ultimate significance in Christ?
Please help me find her back in me.
