Smiling alone becomes my routine every night before going to sleep but this night was quite different. My night was totally complete! YES! And I have to admit that my heart keeps pounding while typing this. The reason? Well, let's just say I found something over the internet that would somehow decrease my uncertainty in remembering his face. It was really made a smile that left a tattooed on my face.
You know, ever since I know to myself that I think straight. I know what's good from not. But now, I am starting to realize that sometimes mistake can be inevitable. Just sometimes! I am running out of the right words to explain my situation because I have to be careful in every words I'll publish here, it is for my own sake. But if I were to ask I really want to share and write this post specifically so that you would clearly understand this new chaos in my life.
Maybe sometimes in life, you will meet someone whom you think can totally accept you for who you are. You will be happy together and love that person. Until that person would found someone who is better than you, so he will replace you. And because of that, you felt the pain and ended up bitterly with that someone. You will curse him and even want to vanish him out of this world because of angst. You will promise to yourself that you won't let it happen again. Once can be a good lesson but twice is already stupidity. But then after a long time you woke up one day realizing that you haven't got over yet. Your heart and mind speaks in different languages. Both couldn't understand each other. So bitterness poisoned the entire you all over again and because of that you thought that sometimes life is really unfair. How you wish you were born a man, you thought. Until one day, you met another stranger. In the first time you've seen the new stranger, you could feel attraction stepped in your system simply because you could feel he was the one who made you feel it. Stimulus response, as they call it. You don't really know that person, even his name. But you already talked to your girlfriend about him. You started seeing him every day and at the same time knowing few infos about him. Each time you were around each other, he was making you feel that he really likes you. You even exchanged silly text messages at midnight. You started giving an effort to make yourself always look good whenever you sees him and he asked you out. It made you feel accepted again and you have to admit that you really enjoyed every moments with him. Until you woke up one day with a smile on your face. The first thing that came to your mind was the stranger who took you home last night. And you've realized you were totally got over to the old wrong person! You were so glad because the new one was an instrument that made you forgot the wrong one. It lighten up your chest and you coudn't help it but to smile with the memories you've shared last night. Then something just popped in your mind, the new stranger is another wrong person. You can't share your whole time with him because there are more people who deserves his attention. Plus, you've realized that he's not really into you because you are too young and you need to understand life the way he already understand it. You know that venturing into that could be difficult in the near future and it is only you who will suffer more, not the stranger. But still the smile still painted on your face despite of those realizations. You told yourself, the stranger helped you got over from the wrong person whom you suffered pain a couple of months ago. He taught you something that increases your faith in following your heart and treasure. And importantly, you had fun and somehow your other necessity as a human had been fulfilled because of him. You used him as an instrument to wash out the bitterness that planted in your heart and at the same time, he used you as an apparatus to fulfill his desire as a man. And now, you started talking to the old wrong person who've hurt you again because the bitterness was gone.
I believe it is a cycle.
Whether we like it or not, you couldn't got over from someone unless someone would come for a replacement.
Sometimes, you know it's erroneous and danger but because it's the only way you know to reach Nirvana, you can't help it but just go with the flow and prepared yourself from another bitter consequences. Life is unpredictable and yet very inconsistent.The important thing is that you still know what you are doing and you will not blame anyone when you fall again. Don't wait for someone to give you a helping hand when you fall, you can stand up without the help of others.
Just like what Paulo Coehlo said, "The secret of life is to fall 7 times and stand up 8 times".
I am patronizing a wrong call of emotion and I am very aware of that. I am enjoying the attention I am giving in silence. Being addicted to something that you know impossible to reach is better than to something very possible that could filled disappointments and frustrations in your eyes again. Impossible things will always be impossible. And it is impossible you don't expect and don't get bitter when thing goes wrong. Basically, it's just a wishful thinking because we accept the fact that having it is surreal.
SO you don't understand?
But I know one or maybe two of this reader has the power to understand the way I wrote this.
It is vague because I have to write it this way FOR MY PROTECTION. It is DIFFICULT. And if only you are here beside me while Im typing this, you could feel how hard for me to write this one. I can't share it verbally to my loved ones because I dont want to hear skeptics. It is HARD. Using words in the form of writing but could not totally express it because the words available are limited.
