5 REASONS WHY I QUIT MY JOB

1. AS EASY AS FALLING OFF A LOG

In tagalog, "PETIKS"! How could not be? All you have to do is sit in front of the computer and talk, talk, talk. Well, it's up to you if you want to exert effort in class. That's why this job is too easy especially for native speakers because they are comfortable speaking the language their teaching. No need to worry if their grammar is wrong or if they don't sound correctly. Koreans will believe them no matter what because of their race. So there, I just said it's "petiks" cos let's say you're going to teach English to an elementary class for 30 minutes. So you'll just log in and the stage is yours. After that, 30 minutes you'll say goodbye and log out. Now if you don't have next class, you can do whatever you want. Just don't let those rude Koreans caught you cos if they did, you will suffer for the entire cut off.

See how easy my job is? Well, at first I have to admit that I was rattled every time they give me 7-10 classes a day. However, when I got used with the systems and how the Koreans act inside the classroom, life is a piece of cake!

It's getting easier and easier. I don't exert effort now. It's now a routine! Greeting the class Good Morning, Good Afternoon or whatever! Then, asking them what's the whether like in their country and asking how do they feel at that moment. See? I'm fed up asking same questions every day the moment I log in to their classes.

Sometimes everything plays dead when it's too easy.

2. THE AMAZING HEARTLESS PEOPLE

Sorry for calling them heartless but that's the first word crossed my mind. So let's talk about those Koreans. I actually like them because the fact that only five of them runs our company is truly amazing. Imagine managing a business with almost 100 employees. Sure, we can actually beat them brutally if we want to but we are not like that. They are very business minded. For them, business is business, work is work. It's like they were raise to give jobs to people. They are very strict to everything especially when it comes to time. For them TIME is really gold. Which is for me works with Filipinos. Well, you know how lazy and late Filipinos are. So they need to whip like hell by their employers in order to use time wisely.

Oh don't you think it's positive, now why do I say they're heartless? Okay, let's put it this way. Once you run the company especially if you're not in your own territory, you should follow the laws we have here in the Philippines. You should also at least be familiarized with the culture of your employees. And also you should be considerate with their situations even if you don't want to so that they will be motivated to work hard. Now if they're already working hard, then to work harder. And unfortunately, they're doing the opposite. Those racists are very inconsiderate! You cannot be sick, because you cannot be absent. It's like the whole world will stop if you get sick. If you get absent it's like 50% of your working time in the entire cut off will come to nothing. And even if you're really sick, they will call you up to come to the office to work. Now, if you want to go on vacation to relax, they will disapprove your request. And the funny part is that, if semester break comes they will force you to have vacation even if you don't want to and WITHOUT PAY! They don't care about their employees. Money is all that matter to them. You are not well-compensated nor even recognized. So what's the point of trying to be the best teacher, right?

3. COMMUNICATION TRANSITION

You can hear three languages inside the office. Sure, there's a lot of ENGLISH ONLY POLICY posted but who cares anyway? Just don't let the Koreans hear you speaking Tagalog. So there, since its here in the Philippines, there's Tagalog, English for British, Pure American and ambivalent American teachers and Korean for the Goddess. I am not a native speaker, so it gets a little hard for me to communicate well with those people. SO it's like this. Americans say I sound like them when I'm speaking English but Filipinos say Ijus sound "MAARTE". LOL which is which?

Alright, just to wrap up this communication transition thing, I just want to say that MY ENGLISH BECOMES WEAKER OVER TIME. Look, since I'm not a native speaker, I am not comfortable speaking the language. I don't speak English at home or even with some of my friends because for sure I will sound awkward to them. And at the office, most of my officemates are Filipinos, so why would we fry ourselves to speak English when we can actually communicate with each other using our OWN language? SO if you estimate it, I only spend 30% of my speaking time in English and 70% in Tagalog a day. SO how the hell could I possibly comfortable in speaking English, right?

When at the office, I speak Tagalog first, especially when I'm greeting my close friends and then will speak English to my Korean students. When speaking to them you need to use simple vocabulary words because they could freak out when they hear English words they never heard. You also need to speak SLOWLY, so that they could understand you better. So it took a lot of effort when you're teaching. Now, during breaks I talk to my foreign officemates. And I know that always look stupid when talking to them because they speak so fast and you'll always hear me say "I'm sorry?" and sometimes they look annoy every time they repeat what they said. It's embarrassing so sometimes I just don't talk to them. LOL

And you cannot blame me or us (Filipinos employee there) because our communication realm is in chaos every time we're at the office. It's like communication switching in a lightning speed. I say, it's communication switching because we don't speak to people at the office in one pattern, it has multiple variations.

In tagalog, "NAKAKABOBO"!

4. SPEECH DEFICIENCY and GRAMMAR LAPSES

I'm having a hard time producing /th/ sound because of the tongue pierce I had when I was in college. So I need to exert a lot of efforts when saying words with /th/ sound just to sound correctly. Most of the time, I produce it correctly but guilt strikes every time I encounter that sound. It seems that I don't deserve to teach that language. How can the teacher possibly teach her student if she has a problem with what she's teaching?

And about the grammar thing, this blog is the star witness! LOL I haven't master the entire grammar rules or whatsoever! So my apology if my grammar sucks! So there , I don't even remember the sentence structures or the right terms to call it. I can't even explain how to use the different tenses of the verbs. Good thing, I've never encountered a class with those kinds of lesson.

5. UGLINESS TO THE NTH POWER

Thanks to my job for making me ugly! LOL I know I am not really beautiful in the first place but I am not exceptionally ugly! I have tons of dark spots on my face now and zits keep on coming. Those disgusting bacterias live on my face maybe because I use make-up every day and face the computer. It is not required to use make up but who the hell doesn't want to look beautiful in videos? And of course, I need to at least look pleasing when I'm teaching.

Next, I'm getting fat or should I say my belly is getting bigger? YES, so true! My belly appears to get bigger when I started working. How could not be? After eating heavy breakfast or lunch, I'll sit in front of the computer and teach.

SO there, I hate that my job makes me uglier and so I QUIT THE OFFICE!

Of course, that's shallow. The real reason is that I want to follow my dreams and my job is distracting me to follow it.

When I got started working there, I thought I can do two things at a time but I was wrong. I can't even think of something to write when I'm at the office. I got fed up hearing other teacher's complain. It's way sad that I have to leave my friends at the office and my students in Koreabut what will I do? I need to do what I want. As a human being, we should FREE OURSELVES and DO WHAT WE LOVE!

PS.

To the company I'd worked for 6 months:

Thanks for accepting me and for being the first one to hire me.

Nice working with you guys, and I MEAN IT! :)

GOODBYE! :)

Road to Nowhere

For the past few months, frustrations are eating my heart out every time I dream up of all the things I know I should be doing in my life. You see, I am very anxious to reach my dreams. However, depressions burst in thinking how things stack up and it sucks cos I can't do something about it. It's like your status quo plays dead in making your dreams come true.

Until I met this girl . .

She has round eyes and pointed nose. Her features are almost perfect inside and out. I've never heard her disparage other woman. Her personality reflects her life, simple and contented. However, at the age of twenty-two hearing that she's still uncertain what she really wants in life truly breaks my heart. I always ask her about it and even force her to think of anything she wants to achieve but unfortunately. she couldn't think of anything except to have job that would pay for her bills.

My heart is in doldrums hearing her story. I really feel bad about her and for myself at the same time. Why? Because I always feel depress and complain a lot for not doing what I should be doing in life. Without realizing that instead of complaining I should be very thankful that at least I know what I really want in life. I have directions to follow and walk through. I might get lost but if I get a map to follow I still know where I'm heading.

It is actually amazing thinking there's people like her in this world. I know she's not alone. There are thousands or even millions of people who feels the same way as she does. Just like me, I know I am not alone in this world who gets frustrated simply because I can't do the things that I love. WE ARE GAZILLIONS! :)

SO . . .

Whoever you are.

Wherever you are.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

A Punch Between The Eyes.

The night was gloomy and dull. Their eyeballs look fixedly approaching the television. And suddenly a man anxiously asked his son.

"Which is better the genius or the intelligent one?"

His son thought for a few moment before responding.

"The intelligent one, because genius people think they know everything and that they're always right."

And the father said in a firm tone, "The genius and intelligent are the best creatures in the world but there's one that beats the two and that is the smart one."

The son attentively listened as his father spoke but at the back of his mind he wasn't convince with his words.

"Being genius and intelligent are just the same. They tend to learn a lot of things through theories, philosophies and concepts and it ends there. They keep on learning but there's no application. All the things they've put in their heads are useless. So what's the point of being intelligent and genius?"

And everyone stared and hold each other's tongue.

20 YEARS ON EARTH!

Inpyeong Elementary kids showing some love. :)

Jane's kick-ass birthday card. :)

November 26, 2010 was a date to remember. On that date, I celebrated my second decade on this goddam world. Well, thanks to God for this new decade.

And so I have so many things to write here about my 20th birthday but I don't know where to start. It's just amazing because I know it's my first time to post something about my birthday.

Let's get started.

I felt so special for receiving a lot of gifts from my co-teachers at Enoz. Almost all of the people at the office greeted me, but few people outside the office remembered my birthday maybe because I deactivated my Facebook account.

Well that's a funny thing about Facebook, when you're a part of their online community you'll probably greeted by hundreds of people because Facebook wants you to feel special on your birthday. :D

So there, I received the best gift I had on my birthday. :)

My students greeted me as well as the Korean teachers I've been working with for more than four months. But my twelve-year-old student from BongHyun Elementary and the class I have for two consecutive semesters from Inpyeong Elementary got me the most! Jane made a simple birthday card for me. And it was really cute, she even drew me there. That student was very nice to me! And the second one really killed me. My kids from Inpyeong greeted me in a very creative way. They prepared birthday flash cards wherein the kids formed a line carrying each flash card with letters on it spelled as HAPPY BIRTHDAY and a heart. Whooaa. I was deeply moved by their creative presentation. It was awesome, thanks to Teacher Gemma (the Korean teacher) for making the presentation possible.

I just love them.

THEY MADE ME HAPPY! :)

Hearting Tumblr.

I am so in love with tumblr now.

My tumblr speaks my mind through awesome online pictures.

Yes, I don't put too much words there.

I always reblog other people's interesting stuff and most of the time I post typography photos there from weheartit.com.

I always learn something there especially by reading posts from different feminists that I follow.

It's always good learning something profound online than just reading lame statuses from people you know that poisons your intellectuality.

It's just awesome cos I don't personally know 90% of the people I'm following and those who are following me. So I could easily post photos that I can relate to. And I know those people feels the same way, too.

It's just awesome.

That's all I can say.

I just love tumblr now next to blogger, of course. :)

GUESS WHAT???!!

Isn't it weird that one of the person who drove you to deactivate your Facebook account was actually the first ever person who asked you why you did it?

OMG! I don't know how to react to this one but I was really surprised! I don't even know what to say now. I don't want to assume that she's spying my Facebook page but really it was so surprising. Well anyway, let's end this up now cos there's a lot of essential things to write here than bitching her out. Of course, I won't do that though I slightly did yesterday. Okay, I won't do that again! I promise. HAHAHA!

Well, anyway I feel so good while writing this one because of the pastor's preaching about generosity. I know I wasn't generous enough earlier but I promise next service. :D

Oh God I'm very sorry but I really have a hard time giving to the church or to other people (sometimes) cause I'm not wealthy. Okay so I know we don't need to be wealthy in order to be generous but you have to understand that I'm not earning that much and I have obligations to my family and I need to save money to pamper myself. And seriously, while I was on my way home I felt guilty because before I used to buy 2-3 packs of cigarettes a week but I can't offer a single centavo to you.

So GOD..

Please help me out to be enlightened, to be generous, to be understanding and not to hate other people.

Hope it's gonna be a happy Monday tomorrow.

Good night! :)

BYE FOR AWHILE

Alright so I deactivated my Facebook account for good.

I didn't tell anyone what I did cos I don't want my friends there to notice it.

And for sure I might end up explaining to 800+ people why the hell I've done that.

I just said it here cos I know no one's gonna fucking read this blog.

But anyway, my Tumblr, Twitter, Friendster, Multiply, YM and this Blogger are still active.

What's the reason?

Well, let's put it this way, I got fed up checking out the news feed where I got interested with other people lives even if I don't want to.

Facebook was a little destructive.

I should have done this a couple months ago, but I was afraid that I'm gonna be left out if I deactivated it so I stayed.

But then now I already made up my mind.

That's the first reason.

Second, there is a friend of mine who I've been feeling insecure for a couple of months now because I'm seeing myself in her.

I hate the fact that she is very sociable and I know there's nothing wrong with that.

But I hate the fact that she's bragging who she's hanging with every weekend through her lame statuses just to look cool.

Oh damn why am I saying this?

Whoa.

I hate myself for hating her, but I need to release it here because obviously I can't verbally punch her nor bitch her out to our circle.

And yes, I know this second reason is shallow.

And last reason!

Recently, I added independent film makers in the industry (and I don't even know some of them) just to get updated on the latest film competition.

So I ended up viewing their profiles and photo albums.

And of course, I got jealous because they're already doing what they love.

And I'm talking about those people who's not just coming to a film screening so that they could brag something on Facebook, they're exhibiting their own films or supporting their co-film makers.

And I feel so bad that I'm not like them. And sometimes, I feel like I can't be like them forever that I will suffer from this pain until the last day of my life.

And I know that's so EMO. lol

Well anyway, I said I just deactivated my Facebook.

Meaning I can still access it whenever I want to.

That's the strange thing about Facebook, they will never delete your account.

They want you to live in this online world forever. :)

Happy Halloween!

Psalm 116:15

Precious in the sight of the Lord

is the death of his saints.

"Death is a transition.

Death is an opportunity.

Death is a precious event."

- Pastor's Preaching

Death scares a lot of people especially when we're still in the process of exploring our world. Well, actually for me life is a never-ending process of exploration. Anyway, who wants to die young, right? And that scares me big time. Dying without achieving anything.

Lately, my mind was messed up with languishing thoughts and it got exasperated too with all the things around me. Well you can actually see how morbid my mind was in my last post by saying I was just like waiting for someone to take away my life. I was dreary and totally down in dumps.

Then, last Tuesday I was out with my guy friends to bond with cup of coffee. We were planning to do some projects just to at least nurture some of our talents and skills. When I was about to leave, one of my guy friend and I talked about death. And I asked him if he's scared to die and he said no. And of course, I asked why and he said because for him death is enlightment. And I thought for a while and agreed.

And he is so right.

Just think about how hard it is to live in this goddam world.

You need to do everything to survive, you need to conform (even if it's killing you), you need to live with the standards of all the people around you, you need to follow all the things that the society have been perpetuated and a whole lot more.

I always search for answers and try to understand everything by studying different theories and observing my surroundings and yet I can't even get a simple answer to everything. I thought I need a bunch of peanuts in order to answer those mind bugling questions. But then, maybe I can't get those answers simply because I'm still alive.

And so when the Pastor talked about death last night, my mind was fixed up with the essence of death. But that doesn't mean that I'm ready to face God Almighty, of course I'm not yet ready. I just feel so celestial because all the languish thoughts vanished because of the preaching I heard last night.

I feel better now.

And still, I keep praying for me to achieve happiness and to cherish my relationship with God.

That would not happen in just a snap but at least I know to myself that I'm giving my best shots.

I love you Lord. :)

Happy Tuesday!

I just want to dissapear at the moment.

There's a lot of noise floating in my goddam head and it feels like I'm just waiting for someone to take away my life. I'm so tired of doing things that I don't even care about! Things that you're doing not because you want it but simply because you need money!

I know I deserve something great than sitting in front of this goddam computer and teaching strangers. However, for some reason, I can't seem to find my way to get out of this goddam place. Maybe because I know some people are bugging me to quit. You know how I hate when people are manipulating or taking control over my life. Look, we all have brains. And I have lots of it, so I don't deserve to be treated as someone who doesn't have it. No one has the power to tell me what I should be doing in this goddam life except you're God. I only need God's guidance, not yours so back off! I am sick of doing things because I need them for living. And it kills me, thinking that I can't do something about it simply because the ugly truth in this goddam world is
NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, MONEY ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY!

I'm trying to understand everything, but everytime I do, it sends me to a gruesome realization that I should understand myself first before anything else. Understanding the world will do you no good, if you can't even understand yourself in the first place. It's difficult and sometimes I just want to dissapear in this goddam world. I want to break free from the mindsets of all those creatures around me.

Why is it impossible for me to accept that I can never break free from those fucking people? We are all product of our environment. No matter what we do, we can't change the world nor the mindsets of all the human beings we're dealing with in our daily lives. Well, actually I don't even want to change the world or even the mindsets of people because that's senseless and that would never happen. I'm just sick of them!

I just want to do all the things I care about!
I just want to break free from the stereotype that we should work hard all our lives just to die!
I just want people to understand me that I'm not like them, we are all different!
I just want them to respect my belief towards life.
I just want to stay away from those people who keeps telling me what I should be doing in this goddam life.
And more importantly, I want to BE HAPPY!

MEAN!

I don't really know how to start this one but I'm just curious, have you ever experienced being cursed by a sensitive creature just because of a simple crack?

We are all different so I know if I continue writing this one I might end up being self-centered. But trust me, I'm not going to point my finger on those people who have sensitive souls here. Let's just say I'm just opening up the world for them.

We are all different. I understand that too well to the point that I'm thanking God for molding us in this way. Where's the fun in this world if all of us are exactly the same, right?

Let me share to you some interesting scene happened to me last week. Someone just got pissed simply because I delivered a crack or more likely a verbal punch between the eyes for her. Of course, I didn't mean it. I just love horsing around because that's me. It's not that I'm childish or I act like a "tambay sa kanto", but I'm just being me. I'm not "pa-sweet" type of girl who acts demure at all times. And so there, you know what happened? That person got mad at me and now she's acting as if I'm not existing in her goddam world.

I know a lot of people lately who likes to be around with nice people, well not just nice but very very nice people. People who will always flatter them and give them compliments. People who would never mess around with them and would never ever give them bad criticism even if it's true. And I am blaming the so-called price of living in this modern world, conformity. Where people tend to live with other people by following the rules and values, which seem to be more about what you cannot do than what you can do. Conformity also taught as to be polite and nice to people at all times, including not scaring us by the our thoughts and put ons.

Jeez you don't need to be very nice and polite just to impress someone. People loves to impress other people by pretending they're nice when in fact they're not. On the other hand, verbally punching someone doesn't mean you're mean. Sometimes people tend to do that because they're just comfortable doing those things or they just like horsing around because they have this jovial personality. So why take it seriously? Life is very short to get pissed with superficial things!

People are depthless. All they want is to feel great and live by the standards of those people around them without realizing that somehow they could see the world in a different way. People are afraid to get wounded all the time without realizing that with those bleeding wounds, they would discover a brand new them.

Why can't we just take all things easy and accept the fact that we are not the only creature created by God?

Or maybe I should tell this to myself, so I could stand dealing with those sensitive souls. I think I need to be EXTRA careful in every words that comes into my mouth. I don't easily get upset and I love myself for that. That's why I have this jovial personality who loves horsing around with different people. And I tend to treat them as if they're just like me without realizing that they're different. Some could just laugh at me when I'm throwing something or some could just punch me because I might hurt them without knowing it. But seriously, if I'm being mean to someone that means I like him/her. Yes, I'm torturing the people I like because I'm like this. And I can't explain myself because.. I have to end this now. HAHAHHAHA! :)

Share :)

It was a typical Sunday afternoon when I decided to pamper myself by having a facial treatment. I left the house without putting anything on my face cos I know for a fact that someone will just torture it. It's kinda flaky because I always put something on my face when I go out to mask the gazillion dark spots fleeting on it. I didn't fix my hair though. And so I've realized it was the real me who went there.

When I got there, I walked as fast as I could to reach the loading station because I badly need to text my brother. But surprisingly, when I checked out my bag, my phone wasn't there. Don't worry it wasn't stolen I just forgot to put it in my bag. So I went to the rest room to look for a phone booth and call my dad to text my brother to tell him that I've been there already just waiting for him, but the funny thing was I don't memorize our land-line number because it's new. Still I tried to guess numbers which I believed was close to ours, but it didn't work. Now, you've probably wondering why it was so important for me to see my brother, right? Well, let's just say I needed to get some cash he owed me.

So I went to his church at New Life. At first, I was hesitating to come there for uncertain reason. Well, I'm actually a Christian but it's not my church, I used to attend in Greenbelt 1 but it's been a while since the last time I served for God. And so, I went inside looking forward to see my brother.

People were standing at the back so I did the same thing, and someone gave me a cracker followed by a vial with grape juice in it. And yes, I came in the right time, I called that communion since I don't know what term to use. It wasn't the first time, it was actually the second time I had it. Someone gave me a seat, at first I was thinking of declining his invitation because I was just looking for my brother. But then, I followed him and I sat in the middle of a group of women. I worshiped but the fact that my eyes kept rolling in every corners of the cinema to spot my brother's reflection didn't skip out. Seriously, I had a hard time doing it because I didn't wear my lenses.

My eyes got fed up and I even lost my hope of seeing my brother and get the cash he owed me, so all I did was to pay attention to what the pastor was preaching. For about 15 minutes of listening, guilt drastically squeezed in. My eyes were drippy, but the fact that I was sitting their drew a smile on my face. And then, I realized how blessed I was for being there because the words of encouragement were very powerful. It's undeniably helpful considering the fact that I was so depressed lately. And then after standing up to sing with the awesome Christian band played, I saw my brother at the left side of the place I was standing in.

Just imagine if my cellphone was in my bag, do you think I was able to listen and be encouraged with the word of God?

See?
God is great!
It's a calling to look back and serve for him again.
Thank you Lord. :)

I am very sorry my friend,

but I really really hate you because I see myself in you.

TGiF! :)

Let's get started.

Today is a splitting image of yesterday, well except for the pretty intense commotion I witnessed in the afternoon. Well, I guess I don't have to write about it because I'm telling you it's gonna be a waste of time. loool

Anyway, I forgot to write my thoughts yesterday because my computer was fucked up and I had to use my brother's laptop just to go online. And I was having a hard time using his laptop, so I decided just to sleep early. But what I thought yesterday was something really important that I know it should be posted.

I heard some Americans working in our company said things about Filipinos that made my heart raced. It was really funny, though cos I can't blame them if they look at us in a lower scale. But you know what's irritating? It' s when you're being discriminated in your own country. Well I heard a lot of stories wherein Filipinos overseas were being degraded and worst, abused by different races. But don't you think it's too crooked that their beating you up in your own country.

Sometimes I wished I wasn't born in a third world country cos it's really hard. It's really hard being seen in a lower scale, though you know that it's not your fault that you were born here. It's really hard to deal with different races and trying to understand them all the time because our capability of understanding them is above average. I hate that we Filipinos need to get a degree in order to teach Asian's the International Language, unlike them, no matter who or what they used to be in their past lives as long as they have white skins, blue/green eyes and that accent, they're qualified!

Okay, I think I better sleep now. Good night! ;)

Okay. So I made up my mind, starting today I'll post every thing I want to post here cos I can't post everything now on Facebook cos I have so many friends there and I don't want them to mess up with my poisonous daily thoughts.

Honestly, I feel so bored and weird today. You know the feeling when you're wearing high heels all day and you want to do is to take it off. I'm so tired doing same stuffs over and over. Alright, I teach different students everyday, but then I know to myself that I can do more than sitting in front of the computer and teaching English.

I'm bored, stuck and trapped!

I can't stop working.

And I can't think of anything creative this passed few months.

And I hate myself for that.

I deal with different people everyday, look very cheerful and strong in front of them but inside? I feel exactly the opposite.

And now I'm taking a deep breath, wanting to feel better and convincing myself that I would feel better soon, that God is just testing me.

It sucks that I'm achieving happiness with the help of beer and alcohol.

I repeat, just beer and alcohol!

Yes, it's shallow, well for other people it's not.

I miss being happy by doing things I care about.

YES.

I'm jealous.

And I hate myself for that!

I’m not happy.
It’s been so long that I don’t know how to feel happy and
I wonder if I’ll ever feel truly happy again.

I've known for a while that I like someone.
My heart tells me to give it a try but my mind tells exactly the opposite.

I want to be happy.
Please help me. :(
My life is a mess right now.

i'll write soon.

Wounds in the Mind

Learning is one of the best things that God has given to human beings. Learning is the beginning of every thing. Learning makes the world moving and changing. That is the reason why I'm so in-love with school, not just because of the things I've learned academically and intellectually but also because of the limitless experience that jazzed up my lightning bolt.

So, in my first year in college, I felt very blessed to the extent of thinking that I was one of the luckiest human beings on earth who has given a chance to expand knowledge.

In my first two years in college, my mind was equated that no matter what happens I should be graduated on March 2010. I remind myself gazillion times that I need to finish my degree on time because I'm my parent's last hope. I was sent to school to be their savior in the future, to give them a better life. And I accepted the challenge. I studied, learned new things and had fun at the same time. In the next two years, college life turned to be more eye-popping. My mind was intoxicated by intellectual thoughts that changed my life's course of action and beliefs. I started to love film making and writing. I considered the two as my personal legends. I learned the power of freedom and choice. I learned that every thing that happens in life has nothing to do with fate but with our choices. My eyes were opened to the fact that we are all humans that cannot live in eternity, so we must do all the things we want if we really want it.

And so, I succeeded, I am now a degree holder. I am no longer a student, I have now my own students from different race and language. I don't listen to my teachers or professors now, but instead my Korean students are the ones listening to me. Every thing is different, but still difficult.

Difficult because I have a painful wound in my mind. I feel dismay every time reality checks in, that I'm earning now not just for myself and my dreams. I may sound selfish, but seriously, I'm not. I'm just confused of choosing what to map out. My obligation or my personal legends. I am wounded because aside from my situation, it makes me sad every time I think about the ugliest truth in my life at present, and that is LEARNING IS AN OBLIGATION of every human alive, it would never be a choice.

I'm suffering at the right moment because my greatest fear is to die not achieving all the things I want all my life. Again, we don't live in eternity, so we humans should not waste time and do all the things we want! However, I should be thankful on the other hand because imagine if I wasn't sent to school, do you think I can discover these personal legends I'm calling right now? I doubt.

Oh Life is really... i don't know?! Tough? But one thing is for sure, I love living my life despite of these difficulties and sufferings. :))

SARK

"dreams are resilient."

That is according to Sark, an author of the book "Make Your Creative Dreams Real". The very first time my eyes caught a glimpse of her book that sits on one of the shelfs in Fully booked, my hands worked up like a bat out of hell and my eyes landed in every corner of the bookstore to check out for spots where I could sit down and make my mind juiced up.

The cover and the title of the book drawn attention in my system. How could not be? The cover of the book is out of the ordinary because it's loud and kaleidoscopic and if you love arts for sure you'll grab it in a very lightning speed. And I thought the flashy thing was just on the outside but lifeless on the inside. However, I was totally surprised when I flipped the first few pages of the book because each pages are full of life.

And so I've read the first two chapters with glow in my eyes. Every sentence that my eyes passed through sent me to a big time madness and I was like eagerly wanted to shout this out loud "YOU'RE RIGHT SARK! HOW DID YOU KNOW?! OMG YOU'RE FUCKING GREAT!". My mind was extremely agitated and I could not help it but to smile in every points she discussed on her book.

Why? Well let me just write it down next time because I'm not in the mood to discuss the whole thing right now. And besides, I haven't finished the book. I ended up on the third chapter (I think) because laziness flew from somewhere at that moment. You maybe wondering if I bought it, well,  unfortunately, I did not. It costs a thousand peso! And of course, I was empty handed that time, well, actually until now. I wish I could buy that soon.

Oh Sark you're my new hero.

So why writing this, right?

Well let's just say this is a product of boredom. I'm writing this one just to kill time ingeniously while waiting for my fourteen-year-old Korean student, my last class for today.

And the truth above all,

I miss working at something creative, something i care about.

I got so many words in my head at this very moment, and your eyes will face it soon.
Just wait.


PLEASE?
Ok.

Madonna/Whore Complex

Last month my mind was spaced out about the Madonna/Whore Complex post on tumblr. It was a posted photo by someone and true, it had caught my attention because the photo used a scene from Taylor Swift's popular music video to briefly explained the complex. So the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of M/W Complex, my mind wrapped up an envisage of a male dysfunction for supplanting a not so look innocent girlfriend from a pure and untouched lady. However, just recently, I discovered a lot from the M/W Complex (obviously from googling it) that made my ass burned up and ready to explode.

First thing, Madonna-Whore Complex revolves around the dichotomy of how some men can view women as two different personas. What are those? It's either sinner or saint/mother or whore! (retrieved from http://primal-page.com/madonna.htm). The moment my eyes passed through the above definition my brows knitted, my lips pouted and my face clouded out like all get out. Hey man under this complex, who the hell do you think had given you the power to view women in two distinct personas? It's like telling an untouched woman that she was destined to luckily have a sacred love because her virginity was intact the moment you met her. And importantly, she's a mother material. On the other hand, the impure woman deserves profane love because she's dirty for being used before she had met you and you man with that complex will just fuck her to the death with no feelings. PERIOD!

Yes dear, the whole me is raging at this very moment. Why? Well here's how, Madonna means good and pure, now the thing I can't grasp is that man under this complex will just have sex with her wife once in a blue moon because he views sex as something dirty that can only be done with whores but not with her wife! Plus, he respect her wife so much to the point that he don't even sees her as wife, but as a mother. So if that's the case, then what would happen if the wife likes having sex? Is that mean he will not go along with his wife? Or if he would then it's not a free will? Again! Sexual desire is a natural thing! He's keeping his wife away from a natural thing (sex deprivation) just because of his complex? Secondly, women are child bearers by nature, motherhood is one of her sacred functions. That makes her soul different from man. However, an outlook of a man under M/W Complex of seeing her wife as mother -- her only job is to take care of him and the children is inimical. Well actually, it's not really erroneous but don't you think he's boxing his wife from that position not doing anything else? That maybe the reason why her wife could not nurture her talents and skills in a certain field. I know it's a woman's choice if she will let her skills nurtured or not, but women are exceptionally different from one another. There are strong and independent women, however, there are inferior and vulnerable. But one thing that makes them similar, they forget their own self for the tender love of their dear ones. So how about when the wife is happen to be weak and a follower material in their marriage? Is that mean she will remain in silent and go with the flow of what her husband has been perpetuated?

On the other hand, whore means sexually promiscuous woman, one of over 200 phrases or words that disparage women in all times. So yes, the other woman of a man under the M/W Complex look at her as sexually aggressive and whoorish, and will continously fuck her with no strings attached, and end of the story! Okay, I understand there are females nowadays who enjoys poly-amorous relationship (having multiple partners with consent of both parties), however, what if the woman(whore) also in need of tender love? And again, I understand that it's still a woman's choice whether to continously have sex w/ the man under that complex or not, but you have to understand that sometimes even if a woman sets in her mind that they were just FuBu (fuck buddies), there's always a tendency that somehow it boost her self-esteem and she counted it as an attention, that every woman is longing for. So it could develop mutual feelings that possibly grow while doing the sexual activity regularly with the man. Then you'll probably yell this at her, "Then stop having sex with him, bitch!". Well, here's the catch, even if she despise the activity as long as her body likes it, sadly, she couldn't do something about it especially if something mutual already developed. Man would always say this if he was coined as promiscuous "Anong magagawa ko? Lalake lang ko.."(What can I do? I'm just a man..), well I think woman could said that excuse too, just to remind that the both sexes are equal when it comes to numerous matter. And another, that woman(whore) is capable of bearing child, too. So why box her in just being a whore in bedroom? Whether you like it or not she is capable of being a mother and she was once a madonna before she unfortunately met the man under the Madonna/Whore Complex.

To the God Almighty who's guiding my soul while writing this, please continuously help and guide me not to meet a man under this complex in the future. I love you :)

An introspection

In the third week of March, I spent a surpassing overnight in the coffee capital city in the Philippines with my last groupmates in Adamson, the gravezia. At midnight, countless stars were tattooed on the sky and the frigid summer air made the hair of our skins stood straight. Cigarette smokes in the air looked like white heavy mist that reduces visibility, while keeping love songs and party sounds in the background because of the so-called prom in the barangay court was located a few steps away from the pad.

And the mind-blowing night began, two glasses were passed to each one of us. At first, Josh's cracking put-ons and the clique's bullheaded notions about stuff and people inside the institution ruled the roost of the group conversation. Then, then the group chat shifted to an outrageous topic, like sex. My two sexually active buddies sliced up almost every thing they know and even gave tips on how to have more pleasurable moment while doing it as a bonus. My inner self commanded me just to listen and understand the things that coming out from their mouths. Honestly, I'll deserve an award for the best hypocrite woman in the world, if I say I didn't like the topic and I didn't learn something from them.

The strange thing? Sunlight entered the scene, however, my mind was restrained and my body haven't liquored up despite of the fact that four kinds of firewater liquid flowed into my system. It was out of the ordinary, because I usually end up being dead after four bottles of beer.

Early in the morning, we went to the coffee farm. That was one of the eminent walks I had so far because I appreciated the sunlight as it touched my skin. Then we went home and I've slept for almost two hours. My mind still wanted to conk out, however my eyes were vigorous. So instead of stretching out my back, I chose to sit around on the balcony and observed the clouds. My eyes were animated on how the fogs moved on cornerways. Then, the two lads sat around me and began to open their mouths.

We looked back on what we learned a couple of years ago in Communication Theory. I harked back my favorite theories, and they did the same thing. Then, the discussion move over on feminism and genders, where I heard barbed thoughts about it. Then again it was switched on the Philippines economic status, US presidents, Philippines' election history and the round-the-clock Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's accomplishments and manipulations. The conversation ended by the books and literatures we've read.

From the moment I went home, I was still thinking about the intellectual discussion we had because I really learned a lot and I hope he learned from me, too. The discussion was meant not to be forgotten, and up to now the things we discussed still pouring out into my head. And as my mind speculated the idea of different intellectual discussions I had with bookish and brainy creatures, I understand that maybe this is one of the reasons why sometimes socializing with my perennial buddies gets cramped.

I am not saying they're intellectually absurd because they're not, but maybe my mind wants to overburden with gossips and deadly physical discriminating attacks from people(even with passer-by sometimes!). And this introspection, helped me out in understanding things socially. However, I always miss them, but clearing out my mind with this thoughts exceptionally defines maturity.

Today's inconceivable fact:

A cold-blooded person

will never be cognizant of striving happiness even if his eternal rest is close-at-hand.

Equality Check

Women and even men should open their eyes to the fact that equality is not just whirling around political, democratic governance, benefits, health and education. Those small things that we sometimes believe superficial also fall under the criteria of equality. Every woman craves for equality, who erratic woman likes to be shaped by the opposite sex? However, most of the women equated to their minds that equality is translucently all about the above mentioned and it ends there. Women couldn't catch the drift that simple things in their everyday lives like beliefs, clothing, manerism, socializing and even hygiene are parts of that equality that all women are yearning for. Like for example, women drink hard as much as the men around them, talk as dirty and boast about their control of their lives. And other women (especially those subjective heartless bitches) can easily react that goes like this

"Ano ba yan kababaeng tao?! Kung makipag-inuman o makipag-usap sa lalake, di na nahiya..".

Those other women don't understand is that they are not enjoying the liberation that the 1970's feminists imagined, but a kind of social equality. And how many times do you have to get wind of statements from your grand parents or parents that goes like this,

"Iba na talaga mga babae ngayon, dati rati ganto ganyan.. ngayon masahol pa sa mga lalake kung gumanto gumanyan!".

If men can behave badly, women can too! We hate the "bulok na sistema" thing and we are all seeking for change without paying attention to our actions, words and beliefs in our surroundings. Educated women who has background about feminism believes that the social outdated structure is the cause why both sexes remain in the position that is totally discriminating and unequal, however, some of them could easily throw judgements to their co-women if that enjoys the stereotypical man things.

Women should bear in mind, even if they are educated or not that equality is already existing here. Yes, in fact, Philippines is one of the countries in Asia where women are given equal opportunity along with men. Just take a look of the person who runs our country for 9 years, she's female right? However, we, women sometimes are having a hard time to break free from that social outdated structure that imposed to us in the early years of our country's existence. We seek change in everything unequal to both sexes but we enjoy dust so much. Women needs realization with their beliefs and should not perpetuate a culture that tells them to be different in all access with the opposite sex.

A story telling . . .

March 5, 2010

It was turning 5 am on my cellphone's clock, and direk Reg had his last company call to our group for few reminders. I was petrified when I saw the time because I was expecting that the rehearsal will end till the sun rise. My eyes were not fed up and my body haven't exasperated, plus I didn't feel coming home that early and so I rushed to Rica and asked her to bond with a bucket of beers. And so she liked the idea, too. So at 5:30 in the morning, we left Burgundy Tower in Makati and checked out the spot she told me that could satisfy our thirstness. The bar was few steps away from the building. But unfortunately, it was close already. However, our salivas shouted for beers! And so we walked along Ayala to look for open bars at those hours. We walked for like 45 mins with no sense of direction. Some streets were empty and we were the only girls walking with cigs. Our feets pooped out so when a cab passed by we grabbed the opportunity to loosen up our feets. We asked the driver to help us look for "hello sunshine" bars but then it was another failure so we asked him to take us back to Export Bank building. We were about to go home when Rica spotted that the bar she was talking about earlier were open already. So we rushed and ordered drinks as quickly as we can.

So the dream came true and our mouths were satisfied. We talked everything that interests us. I remembered when we talked about absurdism, nihilism and marxism, then the conversation shifted to personal matters like family backgrounds and little gossips about our schoolmates. At around 8 am we decided to go home cos we could feel the anger of the sun on the outside. The moment we left the bar, seriously, I could feel a mixture of giddiness and drowsiness. Rica walked towards the other lane and I stayed. In a few minutes, I was thinking of riding a cab but then in just a second I convinced myself that riding a bus could be a practical thing since it's a working hour already. So I entered the bus and occupied the last seat at the back. Drowsiness was killing me, so after paying for the ride my eyes shutted like a bat out of hell.

The next thing I know, The bus was passing the Guadalupe bridge heading at Boni Avenue. So when the bus reached Robinson's Pioneer, I left the bus like crazy. While walking down the street, I was about to check my cellphone to read text messages. However, I was completely terrified with my open-zippered bag and the phone and wallet was gone. I slapped my face, thinking I was just dreaming, but I was not. My mind was astonished and completely empty. The mall was still closed and my senses were muddled by the noise of vehicles and rushing creatures. My eyes were stirred up and completely mystified. I didn't really know how to throw actions as empty-handed being at that moment without any centavo left. Good thing, a big-hearted janitor at Rob Pioneer together with the security guard assigned on the entrance door of the mall helped me out to reach out my parents. I seated outside the mall for like an hour to wait for my dad to pick me up. While waiting, unlimited tears drooped down like hell. Why I was crying? Not of the valuable things and pennies, but because of the earlier actions I made and astonishment.

IT WAS MY FAULT.

because I'm stupid. HAHA! :)

However, i love the experience so it needs to be posted. :P

Pornography = Feminism?

Contrary to popular notion, pornography benefits the stand point of feminism through breaking the cultural and social stereotypes that all feminists are all fighting for. Pornography is a free speech and I always believe in the Pro-Sex and Liberal feminists principle that "a woman's body, a woman's right". I always believe that women who does or supports pornography never uncoerced to do or support the thing, hence, they are just practicing their freedom to do what they like and what they want to fulfill. Supporting pornography is no different from supporting lesbianism. Women has the power to choose what they want to be without the intimidation of the opposite sex and even their sexuality. Again, it's freedom and choice which all women are shouting for. So how come anti-pornography movement or even hypocrite creatures keep bitching about pornography? And another, pornography is a creative expression that helps women to practice her rights about her body and identity. Practicing rights is just the same with seeking change. That is the reason why I find feminism and pornography quite the same. Pornography helps a lot especially in relationships or couples to enrich their sexual relationships without committing adultery. Plus, let's not be hypocrite, every woman is experiencing sexual urges, and believe it or not there will be time in a woman's life that she will need pornographic materials just to trim down the level of her curiosity or simply to fulfill her sexual desire and sexual desire is a natural thing.

The world is drastic that people are being boxed and never wish to come out of the shell. However, it's a choice to be corrigible to the fact that you and those creatures around you aren't the only people in the world that follows what the society and the culture have been perpetuated.

Red Emma

"If I ever love a man again, I will give myself to him without being bound by the rabbi or the law, and when that love dies, I will leave without permission." - Emma Goldman, 1889

I was very inspired with this controversial statement. Just last week my friend Jb and I were talking every thing under the sun just to entertain ourselves. And suddenly, I asked her who does she think on earth imposed that lovers should have commitment with each other. And of course she answered in a very stereotypical explanation which every one knows. I don't know but I don't like the term "boyfriend-girlfriend" and "break-up" when it comes to relationship. Well as for me, if you love someone then love him, you guys doesn't need to tell the world that you are officially boyfriends and girlfriends or whatsoever. And if time comes that you fell out of love, you can just go on with your life without changing your status on your Facebook account.

And so when my professor discussed about Emma Goldman in Women's Issues class, my heart was agitated with the new infos. I so agree with the above mentioned statement. That's exactly what I'm trying to blurb about Jb. Being free without hearing skeptical public opinions.

One of Goldman's goal was to free the women from the fear of public opinions, because obviously even before women were boxed to avoid skeptical feedbacks from other people. And I so like it! However, I was totally disturbed by her opinion about marriage. She defined marriage as a legalized form of prostitution which women traded sex for economic and social standing.

I reacted on this in the middle of the discussion because I disagree with her opinion. It is not because I dream of being a bride in an elegant beach wedding someday. I'm disagreeing with her marriage's opinion because I hate her coined term "legalized form of prostitution". Why on earth will you say those things? So are you telling us that you foresee all married women in your time as "legalized prostitutes"? Thus, I don't believe that all women (even at her time) wants instant economic and social standing in exchange of their bodies. Don't you think that viewing things in that manner can be so antagonistic?

Well to clear things out, here's my stand about marriage. Yea I don't really like 'commitment' and 'marriage', well actually I don't find those logical, BUT I AM SUCH A HYPOCRITE IF I SAY I DON'T WANT TO BE LOVE, OF COURSE I DO! I love loving someone and I love being loved by someone as always! It's just that I really don't believe that those married couples for like 25 years or more than that still love each other the same way they had before. For me they're just still bound together because of the marriage contract and spouse. So by any chance, maybe BY NOW I don't want to get married BUT I'M NOT PUTTING PERIOD ON MY WORDS because who knows someday you could see me wearing white gown in one of my photo albums in FB which is not impossible to happen, but at least in the VERY RIGHT AGE I think. I reacted on Goldman's belief because for me by her own definition of marriage she disparaged her co-women by coining the term "legalized prostitutes". Well do you think that's right?

However, we, women should thank her for fighting the women's rights in her time in using birth controls and encouraging women to be free and independent. So thank you very much Red Emma! :)

S.S.S.S.S.S.

When I first saw this image on tumblr, my mind was yelling "Oh yea! Exactly! Whoever made this is truly a genius!". That exactly my reason why I stay single. However, upon reading those number of reasons all over again, I paused for like a couple of minutes. YEA! These are true, so is that mean I'm gonna be alone forever? Well to make it clear, I'm not rushing, just a thought that popped into my head when I found this photo. Hell yea I'm not though sometimes I have to admit that I feel lonely but I always convince myself that I always have the time in the world when it comes to this matter so I don't have to rush things. Well actually maybe I'm prettying things up just to feel okay.

Some friends said that the reason why I always stay alone is simply because of the high standards that I imposed to myself, and yea of course I kept on disagreeing to that every time they bitch me about that.

Ten months to go I'm gonna be two decades living in this planet. But just recently, I've realized that maybe my friends are right. I'm not that really beautiful but there are some guys I know who likes me, the thing is I don't give myself a chance to know them because of these reasons: Some are not that really intelligent and creative, some are not really stable with their lives, I'm afraid that they have intimate obligations already and they just want to use me to fulfill their sexual desires, I'm afraid that I can't get over for a long time and blah blah.

And the ugly truth, those men who I like so much just want to fuck me and those sincere men are those people I find lesser. Whoa. I hate my standards. And I know this warped perspective was perpetuated by the media. Yea, hell yea. If I can just lower my standards and give chance to those people who are begging me to know them, maybe I'm happy right now.

I don't know but I'm having a hard time understanding myself.

I always impose to myself that I am an independent thinker when in fact I am not, really not because what people say have a really huge factor to me. If I am an independent thinker maybe I could just lower my standards and enjoy my freedom of choosing someone I really like.

I wanna get over with this and change but I'm really having a hard time. This is fucking difficult.

The Problem

You can write.

You know to yourself that you have to write.

You and your soul are bugging you all the time to write.

Now things are getting blur.

Wondering what to see and what to believe.

Sometimes you can just cover your ears to avoid a strong feeling in the head.

But if covering it would be fine, things will be vast.

Now you ask yourself again.

What to choose?

The freedom or the ignorance.

Embracing the fresh or sticking to the dust.

But still no response.

Now ask yourself again.

What is happening in the world?

In the world where ignorance is free and intellectual power is limited,

all you need is black.