PLUS/MINUS?

No updates doesn't always mean putting aside the passion into something new. For two months not updating the outlet of my emotions, lot of things happened like the famous massive destruction of typhoons "Ondoy" and "Pepeng" that dominated the headlines for 3 weeks. Despite of the calamities, blogspot keeps bugging me to post something new, so there.

Well let me start with the fortunate events happened. Despite of all the pressures and issues about our passion in film making, our short film entry "Tigidig" is one of the top 3 official finalists in the RedHorse Muziklaban Indie Film Challenge. The verdict still unannounced but being one of the official finalists is enough to strengthen our passion. So there, congrats Bonafide Productions. :)

Next, I passed all my subjects with high grades last semester. And this coming semester is hopefully my last semester in Adamson. Yes, I'm already imagining how it feels to be one of the people sitting in PICC wearing black toga. The moment that my parents and loved ones are all waiting for.

Finally, I'm entering a new chapter in my life wherein confusion plays a huge role ever since it all started. This is sometimes difficult but at the same time, I love this feeling. The feeling of venturing to something that you know already how it will end up. Or lets just say you already memorize the drill because it's not the first time but the second one. My apology if it is abstract again! Well what can I do, things like this needs security and protection for my own sake. Is it happiness already or just plainly accepting the reality? Well I am really uncertain. All I know is that practicality always get in the way, maturity is a product of aging and sensation is a man thing.

Fear? Pressure? Or intelligence?
What will I choose?

See.
I am totally lost but still I know what I'm venturing.
Maybe this one's the key to accept my weakness that I hate so much.

PS: If you're reading this, please don't be selfish. Teach things that will benefit the two of us by not looking at the table with the legs rested on.
I miss you already :)

Beware of ink and paper?

Ever experience having a steady emotion then suddenly change its direction only to find out that you were having a circle of thoughts again of things that would give you an extreme narrow definition of what is happening today? Then, hatred enters one by one like a pop corn inside a heated microwave. I don't want to be a hater, seriously, but sometimes we could not help it but hate things in silent.

I hate when I want to do something that could nurture my skills and talents, and yet I can't do that simply because its luxurious nowadays.

I hate when I am surrounded with irresponsible creatures, claiming that there are passionate in this field but in reality they're doing nothing. Talents and skills might be at birth, but if it is not nurture, it will come to nothing! So don't feel great only because you are good at this or you are good at that. Remember, a talented person is nothing without the gift of extreme perseverance.

I hate being misjudged by other people because of true criticisms. Today, when you throw true judgments, people will think that you are arrogant no matter how nice the tone of your voice when you deliver it. People always want compliments and flattering phrases without knowing that sometimes true criticisms even if it is negative could make them a better person.

I hate the fact that I've been cursed many times with different people saying "wala kang mararating", "hindi ka aasenso" or anything that goes like that! Those lines still planted in my mind even if it was stated a couple of years ago. And that is the reason why I strive this hard.

I hate having loved ones who could not understand your personal legends in life. Sadly, people equated in their minds that education was invented to attain their luxurious life that they are all wishing for. You may call me hypocrite, but I would rather dream of becoming the poorest and ugliest woman in the world with a very high line of thinking than the wealthiest close minded woman in town who enjoys looking herself as a tasty object in the eyes of male species.

I hate being criticized behind your back by those people who once helped you out and inspired you in mastering your crafts in life. It's difficult.. to see, to feel and to hear things that could ruin the image of the person you respect so much. I was crest fallen upon hearing those things, and how I wish I just covered my ears so that I won’t feel this way. Who will tell this people that it is possible to pursue a dream in good faith? Honestly, I am not mad, it's quite disappointing. Swear, God knows that. I am keeping my mind open, so that I could understand those people.

Things will be alright, and I know this is a challenge. Probably, this could be the worst situation I am facing at present, but I don't have regret because this could be the first step in pursuing my personal legends and 100000000000 more steps await. And no one could ever discourage me from following the steps. People may hate me with this post. They could claim that they know who I'm pertaining to, as usual. So what?

I don't write to play safe! This is my outlet of expressing my emotions. I am not afraid to write simply because I am afraid that my points of view could result into something inconsistent in the future or I maybe published posts that I would regret soon because of the way I wrote it. I am not afraid of change! We live in the changing world, so accept it! As we continue growing, our thoughts and perceptions change. (Malamang tumatanda tayo e!) So why afraid to write if you know it's the product of your own reality?

Just like Paulo Coehlo said, "truth protects you". And I believe in him. :)

News Writing Ignorance

Leadership might be flowing on my system at birth, and I never know who's to blame. I like to lead in anything because I know I can teach a thing or two. However, I hate the thought of being in this place sometimes. I never volunteer to become a leader inside or even outside the institution. I let higher authorities or classmates to put me in the position because I hate to brag about my skills and ability.

Leading feels good, especially when the people you are leading believes in your ability and objective. I love the feeling of being praise of the good work and my creativity. Normally, I set the scenes and act the part. I organize whatever goes around me. I do others job just to assure that things will be on the right place.

However, leading gets hard to accept. Especially when you exerted an effort into something and ended up with frustrations.

I was feeling nervous this passed few days because of the school paper thing in my Specialized Writing class. I tried my best in editing my group mates articles, though I know to myself that I often commit grammatical errors and wrong usage of words most of the time. I already forgot the important English lessons I've learned in elementary and high school like the proper way of using the tenses of the verb, the right use of prepositions, the subject-verb agreement and many more! But still I've tried my very best to revise the works of my group mates and mine as well, just to avoid failing grade and embarrassment in front of the class. Being an Editor-in-chief was a real pain in the ass!

You know how much I love writing. It is one of my passion. This blog serves as an instrument to let other people know my thoughts and emotions. I love to express my feelings into words. And as you can see I'm still mastering the creative craft. However, I am not use in other forms of writing. I can write editorials, feature and creative articles but not news! Oh please I don't write news! I don't even know the rules in news writing.

My ignorance to news writing was the cause of my nervousness. Though, I already finished Intro to Journalism two years ago, unfortunately, I haven't learned anything except the definition of LEAD. Yes, as far as I could remember, that was the only thing I learned from that subject. Good thing, one of my member was good in news writing. So she helped me out with the articles and she even taught me the rules in news writing.

As I was recalling things I've learned about news writing, I seriously find it boring. Maybe because it needs to be factual and flowery phrases are prohibited.

When my professor was about to return the school paper we submitted, you could hear a fast flip-flop on my chest. He discussed the major kinks that each school paper had committed, as well as the grammar lapses, wrong usage of words and punctuations which were very embarrassing. I wanted to disappear from my seat when he already handed ours. My news article in the front page had a numerous kinks, and even the word "increases" in the headline was misspelled. That was my bad because I didn't check it carefully before it was printed.

He announced our grades. I had three articles in the school paper. And he only gave my 75. At first, I don't know how to react because I know I exerted too much effort from the articles and even with the lay out. I was the one who almost did everything in the entire paper. When he returned it, I saw high grades in my editorial column and feature article. I asked him about it, and he said that I should have not wrote a news article.

When I heard it, I didn't know how to react and my chest was about to explode!

I am not grade conscious but I hate the fact that those people who just passed trash articles have a higher grade than mine. I couldn't accept the fact that my ignorance in news writing was the key to dump my creative article in editorial and feature. It feels like my efforts in editing other people's articles, lay outing and printing was dumped in just a snap.

As this very moment, my heart is telling me not to let myself get too much frustrated about it. I maybe not good in news writing but this incident maybe the way for me to learn and also master it. And it is just a grade, I could get a higher one in the following terms. I should be happy because my group mates have a higher grade, at least I know I didn't fail being their Editor-in-chief. Maybe my practical knowledge and natural creativity will always be a gift for all the people who needs it. :)

Note to Self: "WALA KANG KARAPATAN TAMAREN!"

Working with papers in thesis and news letter is my primary obligation at this very moment. I am currently conducting a study about effects of rock music in the Filipino youth in my Mass Communication Research class. On the other hand, I am also an Editor-in-Chief of a news letter that serves as a prelim exam in Specialized Writing class. My work doesn't ends there, because I'm doing 5 pages term paper in Asian Civilization class and currently finishing three stories that are waiting to be shot.

See how many papers I need to do and submit this semester. However, despite of the numerous paper works I have inside my school envelope, tardiness strikes every now and then. I am very uncertain of what is happening to me. I love writing a lot but still, I really don't know why it is hard for me to write for my class requirements. Yes, I find difficulties in putting my own ideas into words and phrases. It feels like my "habits of mind" is stagnant.

Creativity, critical and intellectual thinking, the ability to pose and solve problems, self-discipline, and self-confidence are totally missing. I hate the feeling of being lazy into something that is very essential. And vulnerability strikes whenever I find difficulties in writing, because it's not normal. It feels like something is stopping me to do my tasks as a student.

I always find my works superficial and crap. And it sucks big time!
I really don't know but it feels like I'm being box to something that I couldn't explain. Or let's just put it this way, I maybe know the reason for being stagnant but I think the problem is that I don't know how to escape. And I can't believe that an immoral act from the past is affecting my daily life at present. TSSSSS!

Ohhh please! I need to escape and get out of the box! I hate being stack in there.
In short, I badly need motivation to stretch my limits.


And hey, you know what, I should be writing an editorial articles that would be publish next week in the school letter, but instead of doing it, here I am, finishing this post. :)
A post that could never be a brain child.
Sorry if you find reading this as a very uninteresting one.
It sucks big time! @___@

Erin Brockovich

After eating lunch I turned my remote control on HBO and I saw on top of the screen the next movie attraction. It was Erin Brockovich. I didn't change the channel because I haven't watch that though it was a long time movie already. And some film junkie I knew told me before that it was a very good movie. And it caught my curiosity, cos you know how curious I am when it comes to movies. It is a true to life story directed by Steven Soderberg. And yes, it is good and highly recommended for women.

I like the story so much because it is about a woman who survive being a single mother of 3 children who always wear revealing clothes that looks trashy in the eyes of other people, a trash talker but rejuvenated her reputation in the end. You know, that's what I like about this motion picture. The way she negotiate with people and how she face life with her own and beliefs. If you already watch the movie, you can notice the way she dress. That looks slutty in the eyes of people. But who cares, she dress like that because it's fun and she likes it. People always judge others by their appearance, and I hate it seriously. I don't get why "WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET" thing always get in the way especially in the first time you meet new ones. It sucks to be judge by the way you dress and look. I used to dress sexy clothes before and people look at me like a bitch. And they are ridiculous. I feel comfortable on what I am wearing and I know to myself that I am not what they think. Screw those close minded people.

Despite of the hard ship she experienced in life, she didn't lose hope. She didn't give up and gave her best to attain her children needs. She divorced twice that made her look unpleasant in the eyes of people around her. Suddenly, her life changed when she worked as an assistant in a law firm. She solved a case which save a whole community from a threatening disease. She worked hard and prove to every one that behind her trashy personality, she can win a case and help many lives. From then on, people respected her and she became someone who looked up by many people. Another thing I love in the movie was when her boyfriend who took care to her children for a long time while she's working asked her to quit her job in exchange of their relationship. She didn't have time to her partner and even to her kids sometimes because of the case, so George (her boyfriend) asked for it. But then, Erin didn't give up her job. Because she love what she's doing and in that job, she feel accepted and respected.

Reputation is important to women. Sometimes men foresee us as someone who has a very weak personality so they take advantage on that. That is what I see on the movie. Erin was always seen as someone who's very tiny in the society. But with Erin's strong personality, she prove that those people were wrong about their perceptions and judgments to her. Woman needs to be strong so that other people would understand the capabilities of both sexes. And we, women should celebrate the fact that we are smarter than those people who uses their powers to fulfill their needs.

I told you it is a highly recommended movie for women. And I think men should watch it too, because it would somehow open their eyes to the fact that it is not true that only them can be superior in this world. If you are a man, and you believe that no woman alive could improve the world the way you men could do, well THINK.. and PEE afterward. :))

INDIE HD

Wednesday was a great hassle for some people because of the bad weather. The streets were wet the whole day and night and the traffic was heavy because of the non-stop heavy rain. It made the people felt lazy to go out. I kept asking myself several times if I would still come at Rianne Hill Soriano's premiere night. I thought of it the whole day because I was thinking that the premiere night could be postponed because of the bad weather. But still my intuitions telling me that event like that are not meant to be postpone because the filmmakers behind those films worked hard for it and awaited for that very moment. And so at 6PM I decided to dress up as fast as I could because the film would start at 6:30 PM. I came at around 7:30PM in Gateway Cinemaplex10 . At first I observed the surroundings because I was thinking that the screening was already finished. I saw people still coming inside cinema 5, so I eagerly went at the table outside the cinema, looked for my name on the guest lists and got my ticket. Yes, they haven't started yet, thank goodness. At least, my efforts of coming there was not wasted. I seated alone on the right lower side of the cinema because seriously, I didn't know anyone inside the cinema. Well I already expected and even imagined that kind of scene many times from the moment I asked direk Rianne to put my name on the guest list. But it's all good, I prefer to watch alone because sometimes your friend seated next to you could be the cause of your failure in endearing the story of the motion picture you were watching.

The first one screened was Pera-Perahang Lata (Penny from The Tin Can). It was an independent short film shot in HD camera. The story was touchy and a very good example of a present situation in our society. The cinematography and screenplay highly fascinated me. At the beginning, the pitch was well-established such as the character, the setting and even the conflict. I really like the camera treatment they've used especially in the scenes which highlighted the making of the tin cans in the factory. It was about how unpredictable life really is. Well before I was thinking that only girls were unpredictable, but then I guess now I was wrong. Seriously, I like the story because those kinds of story are not spoon feeding type. It makes the audience think at the end. Unlike those popular movies nowadays which gains fame just because it is a big studio movie but let's face it, those are senseless, they're producing films for the sake of money so don't wonder why your eyes were already tired of seeing those cute heartthrob actors and actresses again and again promoting same story line movies in different titles. Ooh they're making me sick, enough of showbiz garbage. Going back to the short film, the talents performed well in their given characters, and they're cute, I have to admit that! The films has also a sense of humor which made the viewers laughed several times.

The second one was shot in Seoul, Korea entitled Technophilia. It was a very short film but very fascinating. I appreciate everything like the set designs, the camera treatment and even the music and sounds. It was really great to see how people nowadays addicted into the power of technology. I have to say that the musical scorer performed a great job. It was really cool, actually the sound of the PSP, Cellphone, Camera and Ipod used in the film still playing in my ears while writing this. Yes, it has a recall. Well after watching it I must say technology is dominating the world, that's a fact. Sometimes it's good because it made our work easier and more productive, but on the other hand, it's not. It makes people rely on it and crave more because of it's amazing features.

Again, I made a right decision in going to Gateway. I went home with smile on my face because my eyes were feed with creative works again and I was really inspired. Honestly, watching pinoy indie film makes me happy because I want to be a film maker someday. And it's glad to see that there are still talented and creative Filipinos alive making independent films not for profit but for the passion and love of artistry. Having those indie film maker gives hope to students like me and aspiring film makers to follow their hearts and don't get easily discourage from skeptics about the film industry. Congratulations to Miss Rianne Hill Soriano for the successful screening of her works. She is very lucky for having an opportunity in showing her talent and creativity and she deserve fame for this. I wanted to congratulate her after the screening but she was busy with other important guests. Well good luck to her, more films to come. :)

Saved From The Close-Minded Stranger

You grieve without a reason?

Or you really know the reason behind it but you can't accept it again!

Acceptance is difficult. In eighteen years of existence in this drastic world, I am still in search for an answer why I find accepting difficult. Sometimes you told yourself that you are ready for every thing. Good or bad? No one can tell, but you assure yourself you are ready. And you are! Yes you are ready! And you accepted it in exchange of loneliness again and frustrations.

Today reality checked in and it was full of dissapointments. I will never forget this date that will surely marked the history of my existence. It's like you were walking elegantly in tons of people and you suddenly fell down because your eyes were totally focus into something that fascinated you so much. You fell hard. And your ass was in extreme pain but despite of those physical aches, you hurriedly stood up. You don't want those people located in yours noticed it to avoid seeing ridiculous and obnoxious reactions. You want them to be oblivious in that incident. And you think no one really noticed it so you still walked with your chin up. You were aware that the thing you were fascinated and stunned that you can't took your eyes off could be the cause of something embarassing in front of public like falling down. But simply because your eyes were stagnant in amazement, you ignored the possibilities that your mind was telling you. And now you felt glad and told yourself that it was a funny experience. Your ass was still in pain because you fell hard but at the back of your mind you're thankful. Why? Because there is no blood, no wound, so there will be no scar soon. Just a memory and an experience that you could laugh your hearts out when you got older. A simple ambiguous incident.

Fixation into something is somehow good, because it increases the level of your appreciation. But if it is too much, it is no good. When you have faith in God and you know what you are doing. He will let you experience the things that make your heart feels good even though both of you knows its erroneous. The feeling of completeness is erratic like us. We live temporarily in this world and soon we will die. No one could change that because death is inevitable. So whether you are fixated into evil things, God always reminding you in the consequences you will get when you pursue it. But when you ignore it, He's still at your side guiding you in silence. Before things got complicated, He will save you. Yes He will. Believe me. So when you are in pain or difficulty, thank God because you were saved again. So keep your faith alive and save your grief into the real one.

And now, you maybe saying that I fail to endear my message again. Well that is not my problem anymore. This kind of posting keeps me protected from angels and demons. LOL :))

Sixteen Years Under

Smiling alone becomes my routine every night before going to sleep but this night was quite different. My night was totally complete! YES! And I have to admit that my heart keeps pounding while typing this. The reason? Well, let's just say I found something over the internet that would somehow decrease my uncertainty in remembering his face. It was really made a smile that left a tattooed on my face.

You know, ever since I know to myself that I think straight. I know what's good from not. But now, I am starting to realize that sometimes mistake can be inevitable. Just sometimes! I am running out of the right words to explain my situation because I have to be careful in every words I'll publish here, it is for my own sake. But if I were to ask I really want to share and write this post specifically so that you would clearly understand this new chaos in my life.

Maybe sometimes in life, you will meet someone whom you think can totally accept you for who you are. You will be happy together and love that person. Until that person would found someone who is better than you, so he will replace you. And because of that, you felt the pain and ended up bitterly with that someone. You will curse him and even want to vanish him out of this world because of angst. You will promise to yourself that you won't let it happen again. Once can be a good lesson but twice is already stupidity. But then after a long time you woke up one day realizing that you haven't got over yet. Your heart and mind speaks in different languages. Both couldn't understand each other. So bitterness poisoned the entire you all over again and because of that you thought that sometimes life is really unfair. How you wish you were born a man, you thought. Until one day, you met another stranger. In the first time you've seen the new stranger, you could feel attraction stepped in your system simply because you could feel he was the one who made you feel it. Stimulus response, as they call it. You don't really know that person, even his name. But you already talked to your girlfriend about him. You started seeing him every day and at the same time knowing few infos about him. Each time you were around each other, he was making you feel that he really likes you. You even exchanged silly text messages at midnight. You started giving an effort to make yourself always look good whenever you sees him and he asked you out. It made you feel accepted again and you have to admit that you really enjoyed every moments with him. Until you woke up one day with a smile on your face. The first thing that came to your mind was the stranger who took you home last night. And you've realized you were totally got over to the old wrong person! You were so glad because the new one was an instrument that made you forgot the wrong one. It lighten up your chest and you coudn't help it but to smile with the memories you've shared last night. Then something just popped in your mind, the new stranger is another wrong person. You can't share your whole time with him because there are more people who deserves his attention. Plus, you've realized that he's not really into you because you are too young and you need to understand life the way he already understand it. You know that venturing into that could be difficult in the near future and it is only you who will suffer more, not the stranger. But still the smile still painted on your face despite of those realizations. You told yourself, the stranger helped you got over from the wrong person whom you suffered pain a couple of months ago. He taught you something that increases your faith in following your heart and treasure. And importantly, you had fun and somehow your other necessity as a human had been fulfilled because of him. You used him as an instrument to wash out the bitterness that planted in your heart and at the same time, he used you as an apparatus to fulfill his desire as a man. And now, you started talking to the old wrong person who've hurt you again because the bitterness was gone.

I believe it is a cycle.

Whether we like it or not, you couldn't got over from someone unless someone would come for a replacement.

Sometimes, you know it's erroneous and danger but because it's the only way you know to reach Nirvana, you can't help it but just go with the flow and prepared yourself from another bitter consequences. Life is unpredictable and yet very inconsistent.The important thing is that you still know what you are doing and you will not blame anyone when you fall again. Don't wait for someone to give you a helping hand when you fall, you can stand up without the help of others.

Just like what Paulo Coehlo said, "The secret of life is to fall 7 times and stand up 8 times".

I am patronizing a wrong call of emotion and I am very aware of that. I am enjoying the attention I am giving in silence. Being addicted to something that you know impossible to reach is better than to something very possible that could filled disappointments and frustrations in your eyes again. Impossible things will always be impossible. And it is impossible you don't expect and don't get bitter when thing goes wrong. Basically, it's just a wishful thinking because we accept the fact that having it is surreal.

SO you don't understand?

But I know one or maybe two of this reader has the power to understand the way I wrote this.

It is vague because I have to write it this way FOR MY PROTECTION. It is DIFFICULT. And if only you are here beside me while Im typing this, you could feel how hard for me to write this one. I can't share it verbally to my loved ones because I dont want to hear skeptics. It is HARD. Using words in the form of writing but could not totally express it because the words available are limited.

Film Workshop + Book-learned = ART

Saturdays and Sundays are my rest day from practicum stuffs. But sometimes instead of laying down my back flat on my bed, I go out for fun and new discoveries. Yesterday was a perfect example. My production professor which I consider as one of my favorite prof in all times invited me to attend a film workshop seminar three days ahead. My heart was agitated when I read the text message because I haven't attended any film seminar yet. And I know attending in that workshop would be part of my Personal Legend's history.

The film workshop seminar was participated by 500 students from different universities in the Philippines. While waiting for the speaker to start with my Mass Communication classmates, I can't help but to be thankful that I am one of the partcipants there, I thought as my eyes rolled in each corner of the cinema. I wasn't aware what's gonna happen when I arrived there, I don't even know if other Mass Communication students will be there. I came without hesitation because that's what my heart was telling me. I even canceled my planned Majayjay trip with my chums because of this workshop. And as the speaker introduced the different directors in the industry together with one of the successful 3D Digital Film producer in HongKong, I told myself that I made a right decision.

I was amazed with the 3D Films in HongKong they've presented. If you were there I assure you will appreciate the power of digital technology as it dominated the art scene in some parts of the world, particularly in the 1st world countries. Unfortunately, our feet step flat in the 3rd world country so it will take a number of years before we can follow such digital achievements. On the other hand, a representative from RSVP Video and Film Productions (I forgot his name but not his face) presented to us the power of the RED 4K UHD Camera. He discussed the different types of camera and he made a comparison of the Basic Resolution (NTSC/SD) cameras to 720P HD to 1080HD (popularly known as P2) to 3K and of course to 4K UHD camera. He even showed us demo and clips shot by Red 4K UHD camera. Some are international clips from box office motion pictures and some are directed by Mark Meily and Raymond Red, which happens to be one my favorite motion picture and TVC director. My world was totally shock when the speaker called the attention of Direk Raymond Red. Jeezz he was there! And as I watched his piece, it was beyond fantastic. The direction of photography was creative and quite impressive. The images are well established and turned out magical because of the power of the Red 4K UHD camera. How could it not be? The Red 4K UHD cam has 4096x2304 resolution compared to NTSC/SD cam that only have 640x480 resolution. See the diference? That was the reason why the eyes of the participants and aspiring film makers melted as they've seen the evolution of artistry in the Philippines which not yet recognized by millions of Filipino. Other famous directors in the industry was also there like Joel Lamangan and Tony Reyes.

I was really lucky that I was one of the student seated in the cinema. I discovered new know ledges from technical aspects in film making which will help me in the quest of pursuing my dream. And as I walked alone trying to find my way to get to the MRT station I realized that I already know what I wanted in life. Paulo Coehlo calls it Personal Legend in the international bestselling phenomenon The Alchemist which I just finished reading a few hours ago. It inspires me and encourage me a lot in pursuing my dream which is film making. That is what I really wanted and for me it is my Personal Legend. I am ready to give up something just to meet my goal and my Personal Legend. It maybe not now because I need to learn more and quest for that personal legend. It takes a lot of time and experience for me to achieve it. In the mean time, the essential is that through reading the book it lighten up my heart and made me cognitively aware on every thing from the art of learning to the art of patience.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
--- Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

WRONG

Honestly, I really don't know how to start this one. So instead of starting with this new post all I did was to read my ancient posts up to the previous ones. I really miss posting here because I was busy with the OJT stuffs this passed few weeks. And I have to admit that taking this summer practicum is a great culture shock. I slightly having a difficult time dealing and learning works in my chosen field. At present, I am still observing the culture, work and even the lifestyle of new faces I have to interact with every day. Staring at them and being amaze with what they have and how they built their names is truly fascinating. And I believe that with extreme patience and perseverance together with the application of knowledge I've learned in school, I could follow their footsteps. Yes, I am a postive thinker when it comes to reaching my dreams and goals in life. I enjoys a lot of what I am doing because it feels like my feet was already step flat into the real world. Plus, I know that I am starting to create another chapter of my life in this summer practicum. A history of learning, unusual experience and fun of an amateur practitioner into the real world.

Fun? Fun! Fun.
I think I need that in other roles I play in life. Maybe some people are right, I am taking my life too seriously. Well I don't have problems with that because I stick to the fact that being serious is not bad. As for me, seriousness is a product of knowledge that our brain's keep holding. However, I have to admit the fact that being serious sometimes lead to missing some pictures of life. You see, I am still young. I am only eighteen, though I am already in what they called "legal age" when it comes to experience and real world, I am still very young. That is the reality but people foresee me as someone in the age of 30's when my mouth starts to talk about life and philosophy. How many posts did you read right here in my blog that high lights my bitterness in a certain issue or even to someone simply because I can't grasp the fact that we are living in this drastic world where people tend to patronize the world's biggest lie?

See? That is what I am talking about. Sometimes it is better to ignore every thing. I remember a couple of weeks ago I've watched Juday's film PLONING. And I have to admit that it is the simply the best! From the screenplay to cinematography. Watching it is like bringing me to the 70's provincial era of the Philippines. And for me, this film deserves to be awarded not just here in the Philippines but also across Asia. Numerous lines delivered by the main characters of the story truly tatooed on my mind. The best one is delivered by Meryl Soriano who played as someone who is very simple and weak in the eyes of many people in their barrio. One night they we're talking about their traits and it's benefit.

Meryl said,
"Siguro kung naging matalino ako, hindi ako ganito kababaw.. at hindi rin ako ganito KASAYA".

It truly made a great impact to me. So true! Sometimes being not so smart to every thing gives us a normal life. I am not regretting the fact that I strive hard to reach this line of thinking I have at this moment. What I am saying is that somehow the line in the story has point. Maybe the reason why I am feeling the loneliness when vacation just started because I am too aware of every thing. I know what's right and what's not. So I tend to stay away from every thing wrong.

Loneliness is a subjective state in which people do not experience the level of connection with others that they desire. I am not experiencing that kind of loneliness, I think. I don't need belongingness of others because having my friends and knowing that there are tons of people cares about me is enough for me to be happy. I don't need to feel accepted by the opposite sex because I know to myself that I am already accepted by them of who I am. But then I am feeling lonely because I am trying to be perfect. Yes, embarassing but I have to admit. But it doesn't mean I am trying to be someone I am not. OF COURSE NOT! I am trying to be perfect in a way that I lessen wrong moves in life. Commiting mistake is fatal for me! I am afraid to do wrong things and its consequence. That makes me lonely.

And this passed few weeks I've got a chance to know someone who is sixteen years older than me. We easily penetrated each other because we are both communication majors and somehow we share same thoughts when it comes to our chosen field. Though we don't have the same lifes style and even culture because we came from different species, conversing to each other isn't hard for us. He shared things about himself and I also did the same things too. I look at him as a mentor because I also want to reach what he has at present. He told me not to be afraid of committing mistakes and he even added that it is okay to have fun sometimes.

And maybe he's right, I think. It's really good to have fun sometimes. Yea just sometimes but not all the time!Because that would be abusive!
You know I miss the feeling of doing wrong but feels alright. The feeling of doing something erroneous just to fulfill other desire that I think evey human's alive necessity. Maybe I am welcoming erroneous act at present but it's the only way to fullfill my human needs and enjoy life. Life is short. We never know what will happen today, tomorrow or the next day.

Essentially, I'm glad I still know what I am venturing and I know this is just temporary. And I am so ready for what will happen next.
Good or bad? Well I just don't care and I will not blame destiny because I don't believe in that. Like what I've said in my recent posts everything is a matter of choice. So whatever wrong things I am venturing right now, it is my choice and if it will be another crest fallen moment in my life well this time I won't blame anyone but myself. :)
I am being thrill seeker right now but what can I do, this helps me enjoy life and escape the loneliness of the bitter reality.
And whatever it takes, I know God is still beside me. Still guiding me and aware of what I am doing at the right moment.

You maybe not understand what I am talking about because I chose to write it this way.
But if you have the gift of extreme deepness and understanding, it will not be difficult for you to figure this out.
At this moment, only three person will understand what I am venturing right now.

It is myself, him and God. :)

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. And God knows that I am still waiting while He is preparing something perfect! :)

BAKIT BA NAKAKABITTER ANG REALITY?

NOTE: KAPAG BINASA MO TO AT NAGMUKA AKONG TANGA SA PANINGEN MO, ALAM KO KUNG SAANG ANTAS KA NABIBILANG. KAYA WALA AKONG PAKE SAYO AT UNANG UNA SA LAHAT BLOG KO TO, NAKIKIBASA KA LANG TANDAAN MO YAN. :)

Bitterness is devastating!
Alam ko yan kaso minsan di mo talaga maalis ito sa sistema mo kapag mulat na mulat ang mata mo sa realidad.

Simulan naten ang kwento.
Wala kasi ako magawa nung Biyernes Santo ng hapon o mag gagabi na ata yun kasi tinatamad pa ko maligo. So binuksan ko yung TV, walang maiinam na palabas. Tapos nilipat ko sa GMA, paumpisa palang at naumay ako ng pelikula ito ni Richard at Angel.
Kayo naligo nalang ako dahil mas importante yun gawen kesa sa panuorin sila.

Hindi naman ako galet ke Angel at Richard. Bigla lang talaga akong nabitter kasi lately naadik ako sa mga indie films dito sa Pilipinas.
Napakagaleng ng mga Pilipino. Sobrang tinitingala ko ang mga independent film makers. Ginagamitan kasi nila ng pag-aaral ang mga pelikulang ginagawa nila. Mula sa script, cinematography, wardrobe at pag-arte ng mga artista. Kaso nga lang hindi siya na-aapreciate ng mga nakakarami. Nakakalungkot lang kasi semana santa tas love story ung mapapanuod mo.
Hindi ako bitter dahil wala akong boyfriend ha? Ang akin lang pwede naman kasi sila gumawa ng pelikula na love stoy pero lagyan naman nila ng sining. AT isa pa dahil sa mga love story na pelikula at libro, natritriger ang mga kabataan na magkaron ng boyfriend at girlfriend kahit mga bata pa sila. Kaya wag kayo magtaka kung baket andame nabubuntis sa tabi tabi.

Nabibitter ako kasi gusto ko gumawa ng film.
Film na sa tingen ko tutulong sa mga kapwa ko kabataan o mga matatanda na buksan ang isip nila sa katotohanan.
Para din magamet ko ang aking mga natutunan, ang kaso wala akong budget. :(
Ang mahal ng camera at ciempre kelangan ng budget sa production.

Grabe nakakabitter talaga! Kasi andame ng mayaman na producer dito sa Pilipinas na patuloy pang yumayaman dahil sa mga pelikulang ginagawa nila. Pelikulang napakababaw at puro love story na nakaka-apekto sa persepsyon ng mga kabataan at nagtutulak sa kanila maging mga desperada at desperado. Gumagawa sila ng mga ganoong pelikula para lang sa PERA!
OO PERA! Tanginang pera yan. Lahat na lang ng gagawin mo sa buhay kakailanganin mo nyan.
Nakakainis kasing isipin na sila andame nilang pera pampaproduce ng mga pelikula pero hindi sila gumawa ng pelikula na maayos.
Tapos ung mga tao naman, patuloy nilang tinatangkilik kaya ayon sumisikat.

Ang nakakabuo pa ng galet kasi ung ibang mga tao, sobrang hindi na-aapreciate at naboboringan sa mga pelikulang malalalim at punong puno ng sining. Mas gusto nila ang mainstream.
Nalala ko tuloy ng sumikat si April Boy nung bata ako dito sa Pilipinas. Andame niyang nabentang album tapos sobrang sumikat siya at yumaman ang mga nagproduce sa kanya at pati siya. Umani siya ng marameng pera pero pinababa niya naman ang kalidad ng musika dito sa Pilipinas.

Nakakainis talaga yung feeling na gusto mong ma-improve ung isang bagay pero wala kang magawa sa ngayon.
Sobrang apektado talaga ako kasi sining ang pinag-uusapan dito ee.
At eto ang gusto kong gawen sa buhay.
Hindi ito pansarileng kagustuhan lamang ha? Baka isipin ninyo.

Salamat sa aking mga kaibigan na gustong tumulong at susuporta sa balak kong gawen.
Natouch ako sa kanila lalo na sa Livorha.
Dahil alam kong may tiwala sila sa aking kakayahan.
Siguro magagawa ko na yung film na yun kapag nagkatrabaho nako. Siguro nga hindi pa ngayon. Madame pako matutunan. Kaya hindi ko muna dapat madaliin.

Ang paggawa ng pelikula ay isang paraan ng pagpapayaman ng sining dito sa Pilipinas.
Ang sining hindi yan minamadale kasi makahulugan yan ee.

Kung bukas ang isip ninyo sa mga ganitong bagay maiintindihan ninyo ang mga sinasabe ko.
At kung nagagaguhan kayo sa pinagsasabe ko, naiintindihan ko ang mga taong katulad ninyo dahil marameng nabubuhay na katulad ninyo sa paligid ko.

* TAGALOG ITONG POST NA TO KASI FILIPINO AKO :)

WORST ENEMY

OH GOD WHY AM I GOOD IN FIGURING OUT OTHER PEOPLE OBJECTIVELY?
AND WHY AM I GOOD IN TELLING MYSELF HOW TO FEEL?

Questions above were sailing inside my brain this passed few weeks. And seriously, I am still uncertain about it. Is it good or bad? Questions like that are still unanswered. But one things for sure. it is very helpful I think.

Have you ever experience asking yourself if you are as normal as those people you get to interact with everyday?
Well as for me, I am experiencing that as of this moment.
I remembered when I was young I was thinking that I am an abnormal child. It is because I feel like vomiting every time I brush my tongue. It was really crazy thinking about that I am abnormal just because of that. Thanks to my classmate who told me that he too experiencing the same shit, at least I know I'm still normal.

Remembering it is parallel to mind bugling never ending questions in my head before my world officially shut to welcome myself in the dream land.
In the world where I belong, my cliques I'm digging at the moment truly follow their hearts and emotions. They never care of other people's sarcastic comments. They never care to bother if people will call them stupid and lame. They love to share their tragic stories on how their boyfriends cheated on them and could possibly repeat it gazillion times. They never get tired of crying. Plus, badmouthing their boyfriends in a jest way by other friends could be a crest fallen for them.

Why tha hell are they like that?
For Christ sake, being like that is like looking at yourself lay flat on the ground with thousands of people stepping on your face. Am I right? Or I just extremely love myself that I don't want to be a pathetic loser in the eyes of many people? WELL I just can't understand why am I so different from them. I don't question who they are though I have to admit that I am really good in questioning other people's capabilities but then NO. This time, I am questioning myself. Why am I like this? I always tell myself how and what to feel, what to say and whom to talk to. And if I am being real to my true feelings it feels like it's not me. Do you get my point? It's being opposite to reality because I use to this kind of system. I really feel bad about this SOMETIMES. Yea not always because still half of me is very consistent that it is not always emotions that matter the most.

I feel better when I talk to no one about my feelings. Because for me talking about the pain just prolong it. How will you get over to someone or even to something if you keep on talking about it. Then listeners of your story will pity you, Jeeezz, that's crazy! You don't have to brag that you had been cheated several times because it's embarrassing. And essentially, you don't have to brag to others that you are good in flirting with different kinds of guy in the planet because that doesn't make you look hot but instead it makes you look desperate. But if you girls are happy with what your doing right now and enjoy being slut in the eyes of people, then go on. Can't do something about it because I use to be like that before but not anymore because I've realized that there is more to life than that. So what if I am good when it comes to boys, what if boys disappeared and never exist? What will happen to me? Ya know, questions like that woke me up in the reality that the highest achievement you'll get is learning and that's it PERIOD.

"Ang kalaban mo yung sarile mo ee",
that was according to my ex boyfriend.
And maybe he's right.
My worst enemy is myself. What my mind says is always contradicting to what my heart feels and that is horribly confusing swear! I really don't know what and how to feel sometimes. It so difficult to live inside this mind and body sometimes. Blah.. blah!

I hope I am normal. Normal in a sense that other people have their own dilemma which is parallel to mine. He/she maybe not here in the Philippines but that's okay at least I know I am not alone. Anyway, I think I have to correct the statement in the beginning of the last paragraph before this. I feel better when I talk to no one about my feelings except GOD. Oh yea. He is my number one favorite listener. My life would not this great without His guidance. I maybe not see Him or hear Him but I know He's always beside me. And thinking about His blessings gives my life mirth and I should be thankful for that.

VICTORY OVER BITTERNESS

BITTER, SKEPTICAL and CYNICAL are the words that would perfectly complete the description of me and I am use to it. In fact, for me being bitter is someone that you could be proud of. Being bitter is not negative. Bitterness is reality and reality is bitter, those who hate people with bitter persona's are those who are blinded with lies. When people hurt me, I seek revenge and pretend that they don't exist at all. I don't listen to their explanations. I maybe forgive them but I will never forget what they did just like a scar that stays on my skin forever unless I use whitening cream to lighten it.

Being bitter made my personality very strong, made me more competitive and helps me to achieve my goals.
I am a very emotional person but I see to it that people around me or even potential new ones would not notice it. I hate being weak in the eyes of many people because I want to break free from the stereo type that women are pathetic. Feminist blood maybe intentionally mixes into my normal blood and circulates through my veins when I entered college that is why I live in this kind of philosophy. Maybe that is the reason why I despise being oppressed by my opposite sex. Being weak is a choice; we can be strong if we want to. And I believe that hiding our true feelings in public and sentimentalizing the pain in silent is a better way to save our faces from pathetic remarks.

Some girls envy me for having a hard heart that could not easily break.
Some boys got interested to me because liking me is such a challenge for them.
I worked hard to prove all the people who hurt me that I am so much better than them. To make them feel how stupid they are for making my chest heavy for a very long time. To make them regret for treating me bad. And more importantly, to be powerful and to see to it how small they are that they couldn't reach me even if they exerted an effort to ride in an airplane.

Seeking revenge was a beautiful blur in the passed years. My minds filled with thoughts in the future before my eyes will be officially close at night. I already had an identity of being bitter in my school and I am not shame of that. I was like walking in the quadrangle of my school with a huge word BITTERNESS written on my fore head. Some people find it natural when they heard my bitter comments and sarcastic words coming out from my mouth but some were still in shock.

One evening I was listening to my favorite radio station while checking out the incoming messages in my cell phone. I received three forwarded quotes about bitterness. It was not new to me to receive those kinds of messages but this time reading it filled my chest with extreme heaviness. Introspection gets in the way as my head perfectly lay in my red pillow. I started talking to myself why I seek revenge when I've been hurt, attacked, wounded or provoked. Half of me insisted that it's all about the power of loving me because no one will love me except myself. But then I've realized that my tone as I was explaining it to myself sounded very selfish.

YES I continue achieving and reaching my goals but it is all product of bitterness.
Sometimes I wish I am not this smart. Being smart is sometimes a curse. When you're smart you always think outside the box, you become skeptical towards people and you tend not to believe or accept things but to question them. Maybe if I am not this smart, I maybe happy and ignore the reality.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS. My favorite professor once noted it during our discussion. And I believe in her just like what Marshall Mc Luhan stated in Technological Determinism "When oppressed people learn how to read they become independent thinkers".

On the other hand, I've come up to an idea that I exerted too much effort to learn and to reach this line of thinking so why regretting this right? It is my choice to be smart and intelligent. Not all intelligent people has bitterness in their souls. Therefore, it is also my choice to become a bitter person.

And I want to break free from that.

BITTERNESS IS DEVASTATING! It leads us to hatred, cruelty, selfishness, revenge, antagonism, prideful ambition and self-pity. Being bitter could make your life fragmented though it is not. Being bitter could poison not just yourself but even the people around you. I want to learn accept things and breathe normally. I want to lighten up my chest by forgiving the people who hurt me even if they don't apologize. I'm tired of badmouthing those guys who broke my heart. And more importantly, I want to attain my goals in life and reach my dreams without the power of revenge behind it.

Life is short so I need to cherish every seconds that God had given to me. God made me experience failed relationships for me to be strong. Or maybe they left because the role of those people in my life was already finished. I maybe not meet the right man at the moment because preparation takes time. I don't need to rush things because in the first place, I am still young and in the mean time I should take my time. And as I am writing this I know God is beside me guiding in every words I am typing and helping me understand that bitterness is a choice. I'll learn to reject it, choose peace and contentment instead and it doing it starts now.



*I sent this article @ YoungBlood. Hope they will publish it. :)

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS!

No read, no write?

Funny isn't it?
Why does people tend to do things which are prohibited?
Or in tagalog "BAKIT ANG TIGAS NG ULO MO?".

"MASARAP ANG BAWAL".
Do you agree?
OF COURSE!

Well here's how. You're parents keep on telling you not to smoke or drink because you're still young and it's bad for your health, but because you enjoy getting drunk with your chums and burning your lungs, you ignore your parents.
Same is true when you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend not to cheat or hurt you.
They maybe say YES THEY WON'T HURT YOU

but time will come they will just leave you in pain.

Why people loves BAWAL?
Why people are MATIGAS ULO?

I think they are experiencing extreme pleasure every time they break rules. Breaking rules make people look cool. Agree?
Reading this post is like telling your boyfriend not to flirt with other girls because it would make your heart wounded and your boyfriend told you that he would be faithful until the last minute of his life.
But since he's a boy (well thank God I'm not), he couldn't help but to get attracted to other girls and flirt behind your back.
The issue here is not because he is just a boy.
I believe that MEN are NATURALLY POLYGAMOUS.
However, I believe that not all men are like that and being polygamous is a matter of choice.
Men are being polygamous simply because they want to look cool and maybe it is the only way they can prove to themselves that they are handsome enough to break weak hearts.

Things which are prohibited are meant to be restricted because the word RESPECT and TRUTH exists.
Do not blame the lexicographers by putting those words in the dictionary.
If you think that you're doing the wrong thing, then STOP.
Just like when you think you are attach to a wrong person.
STAY AWAY from them.

REMEMBER being strong is a choice.
Being smart and intelligent is a choice too.
Having sex is a choice.
In short EVERYTHING IS A CHOICE.
People commit mistakes because nobody is perfect but we can be perfect if we try to lessen wrong moves.

Doing wrong is not cool.
And giving chance to a wrong person is I think sometimes should be prohibited.
Because we never know, that person could do you wrong again so why still accept him?

Be smart! Think.
And next time learn how to read okay? :)