BITTER, SKEPTICAL and CYNICAL are the words that would perfectly complete the description of me and I am use to it. In fact, for me being bitter is someone that you could be proud of. Being bitter is not negative. Bitterness is reality and reality is bitter, those who hate people with bitter persona's are those who are blinded with lies. When people hurt me, I seek revenge and pretend that they don't exist at all. I don't listen to their explanations. I maybe forgive them but I will never forget what they did just like a scar that stays on my skin forever unless I use whitening cream to lighten it.
Being bitter made my personality very strong, made me more competitive and helps me to achieve my goals.
I am a very emotional person but I see to it that people around me or even potential new ones would not notice it. I hate being weak in the eyes of many people because I want to break free from the stereo type that women are pathetic. Feminist blood maybe intentionally mixes into my normal blood and circulates through my veins when I entered college that is why I live in this kind of philosophy. Maybe that is the reason why I despise being oppressed by my opposite sex. Being weak is a choice; we can be strong if we want to. And I believe that hiding our true feelings in public and sentimentalizing the pain in silent is a better way to save our faces from pathetic remarks.
Some girls envy me for having a hard heart that could not easily break.
Some boys got interested to me because liking me is such a challenge for them.
I worked hard to prove all the people who hurt me that I am so much better than them. To make them feel how stupid they are for making my chest heavy for a very long time. To make them regret for treating me bad. And more importantly, to be powerful and to see to it how small they are that they couldn't reach me even if they exerted an effort to ride in an airplane.
Seeking revenge was a beautiful blur in the passed years. My minds filled with thoughts in the future before my eyes will be officially close at night. I already had an identity of being bitter in my school and I am not shame of that. I was like walking in the quadrangle of my school with a huge word BITTERNESS written on my fore head. Some people find it natural when they heard my bitter comments and sarcastic words coming out from my mouth but some were still in shock.
One evening I was listening to my favorite radio station while checking out the incoming messages in my cell phone. I received three forwarded quotes about bitterness. It was not new to me to receive those kinds of messages but this time reading it filled my chest with extreme heaviness. Introspection gets in the way as my head perfectly lay in my red pillow. I started talking to myself why I seek revenge when I've been hurt, attacked, wounded or provoked. Half of me insisted that it's all about the power of loving me because no one will love me except myself. But then I've realized that my tone as I was explaining it to myself sounded very selfish.
YES I continue achieving and reaching my goals but it is all product of bitterness.
Sometimes I wish I am not this smart. Being smart is sometimes a curse. When you're smart you always think outside the box, you become skeptical towards people and you tend not to believe or accept things but to question them. Maybe if I am not this smart, I maybe happy and ignore the reality.
IGNORANCE IS BLISS. My favorite professor once noted it during our discussion. And I believe in her just like what Marshall Mc Luhan stated in Technological Determinism "When oppressed people learn how to read they become independent thinkers".
On the other hand, I've come up to an idea that I exerted too much effort to learn and to reach this line of thinking so why regretting this right? It is my choice to be smart and intelligent. Not all intelligent people has bitterness in their souls. Therefore, it is also my choice to become a bitter person.
And I want to break free from that.
BITTERNESS IS DEVASTATING! It leads us to hatred, cruelty, selfishness, revenge, antagonism, prideful ambition and self-pity. Being bitter could make your life fragmented though it is not. Being bitter could poison not just yourself but even the people around you. I want to learn accept things and breathe normally. I want to lighten up my chest by forgiving the people who hurt me even if they don't apologize. I'm tired of badmouthing those guys who broke my heart. And more importantly, I want to attain my goals in life and reach my dreams without the power of revenge behind it.
Life is short so I need to cherish every seconds that God had given to me. God made me experience failed relationships for me to be strong. Or maybe they left because the role of those people in my life was already finished. I maybe not meet the right man at the moment because preparation takes time. I don't need to rush things because in the first place, I am still young and in the mean time I should take my time. And as I am writing this I know God is beside me guiding in every words I am typing and helping me understand that bitterness is a choice. I'll learn to reject it, choose peace and contentment instead and it doing it starts now.
*I sent this article @ YoungBlood. Hope they will publish it. :)
