Girl Interrupted

I just watched Girl Interrupted starred by Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie on Youtube. That movie got me because it's about a girl who was sent in a mental institute because she's different. That was set in Woodstock year (60's) and so the social structure in America was very stereotypical. Susanna's (played by Winona) only plan after graduation was to be a writer and she noted that she didn't want to be like her mother. She was sent to Claymoore, it's basically an asylum that looks like a vacation place to girls who suffers from different kinds of mental disorder. All her inmates were obviously suffered by disorders and fortunately she became friends with them.

Basically, the movie is about finding oneself. Susanna was not insane and so were some of the girls there. It's just that the world was sent them there. And yes, they may not be really insane but they need to be there to cure and make them feel better.

Okay so I don't really feel like criticizing or making a review about the movie because it's not my intention of writing this post. I just want to let my thoughts out cos I might forget it if I don't write it now. That movie reminds me of a friend of mine who told me that I have a disorder. Well, she said that in jest but that actually punched me. And why did she say that?

So the story goes like this, that friend of mine hates the way I dress. She thinks I'm "baduy" or have no sense of fashion because she loves to dress a lot. And she thinks that her style is very glamorous. Well, seriously, I also don't like the way she dresses up but I don't say it to her because we have different taste. So most of the time she always attacks my outfits and I always let it go because I understand the way she thinks.

But one morning she made a real impact to me by telling me that she thinks I have a disorder and that I'm weird because of the way I dress, the things I like, etc. And of course, I didn't say anything about it and just laugh at it. But deep inside, I was hurt. I even wrote it in my notebook. That was the scariest remark I've ever received. Your friend telling you that you have a disorder is not good.

So I was like asking myself, was she right? How do you consider if a person has a disorder? By her style, music? What is wrong with the world? We are all different and God has planned it. And so what if I'm like this or like that? Telling someone he/she has a disorder is not cool simply because he/she is different or not like you. The society sets standard but not every one follows. I am not angry but I'm just sad cos I know I can't even do something about it. :/

ThankYou

Numerous things to be thankful but I haven't written them here in ages. And so, let's do this!

THANK YOU Lord . .

.. because I'm still alive! I don't know how long my life would be here on earth but I'm very thankful because you let me experience living in this world You created. Living here is priceless despite of all the pain and suffering. You're awesome! :)

.. because You're doing things in my life perfectly! Everything lies in your purpose and You're directing it stunningly. I am so proud of being Your daughter and I'm spreading Your word as far as I can.

.. because You're teaching me how to be patient and more understanding.

.. because You're guiding me in the right path to serve You. I've prayed for it and You've heard my prayer. I'm so happy serving You by using the talents and skills You've given me.

.. because You're letting circumstances and problems teach me to be more matured and to depend on You. My client and I are back to normal. I am now more organized than before. I don't really pay attention with details but right now I'm learning how. And it's all because of YOU. :)

.. because Your presence and words are very powerful! That it makes me hate people who doesn't believe in You. I know it's not good to hate them but I'm trying to ignore them but I can't help but to feel bad every time You're being backfired by people.

.. because You're helping me and my family financially. Thanks for Your unlimited provisions. It's hard to be the last hope of my parents but You're teaching me how to be strong and You're washing out all the bad thoughts that polluting my mind.

Every thing is in the right place.

And every day, I can't help but to think of how amazing You truly are in changing my character.

I know, I still have a hard time getting away from some evil actions and desires but it takes time. And I'm pretty sure You understand me.

Thank you for every thing Lord.

ILOVEYOU :)

HARDSHIP :/

I've been working in a Canadian company for almost three months. And I have to say, it's a new horizon for me. My current job is exactly the opposite of the first one. Like before, I used to talk a lot where my jaw hurts because I teach English to Koreans and now my jaw still hurts not for talking a lot but because I sometimes don't speak at all. So, yes, my job doesn't required verbal communication. Almost all transaction happens through email and chat. Which is easy for other people but for me? I don't think so.

So after graduating from the training, I got paired up with one of the well-known account we have in the company. Everything was so fast. I remember, one night my boss asked me if I have a photo shop experience and I said "yes" because I really have and I didn't just say that to please him and got me paired with a client. But I told him that I'm not really an expert but I'm not a beginner, so I can't weigh my skill. And so for that, I was asked to take a Photoshop quiz with a potential client (which is my current client) via Skype. I was asked to do a feature sheet and my screen was shared while I was working on that so she could see if I really know how to use the software. And the next day the new contract was right in my fingertips. It was really fast.

And so I'm working with my client for almost two months now. And the truth is I'm really loving my job. My Photoshop skill is improving because I use it every day and I get to learn different stuff every day. I'm not a computer geek, every one knows that. My client is very approachable and nice but one thing about her is that she is very picky and strict. Well, my bosses warned me about that. She's a grammar and spelling Nazi. That's why it takes a long time for me to compose or answer an email for her clients because I have to watch out every words I send. So my couple of weeks with her was great. She was happy helping me out with everything and very very patient though I know she's just trying.

And the thing about me is that, I keep mistaking a lot!! I hate myself for that! I feel really stupid every time I make mistakes and it hurts me. Why? Because her instructions are very clear but then I can't give her the right thing she's asking me to do. And the other day, that pissed her off big time. She verbally punched me between the eyes. And I was so speechless. I really didn't know what to say because I know it was my fault.

And right now, I feel so down, stupid and helpless. I know God wants me to learn something and I understand that. My weaknesses are intolerable in the work place. I know I'm not perfect and I'm starting to accept all my weaknesses but I don't know.. as of this moment it feels like I just want the world to stop and runaway. God is telling me that it's not a good idea to escape to something that would make me grow and better. I know for a fact that I have to trust God but I can't just stand the heaviness I have in my chest at this very moment. I know this is just a challenge but I can't help but to feel ashamed because I know that I'm a real pain in my client's butt. I deserve to be fired of all the errors I've made. And if she will kick me out in the account that would be fine because I understand her. But I really love what I'm doing!!!! I want to stay in the account. I'm helping my self to improve and to be better and more importantly, not to make mistakes. I wish she would give me a second chance though I can feel the coldness between the two of us.

LORD! This is really hard!!! I am crying out to you!! And I know you're hearing me! Why am I so stupid? Well, you just said I'm not and I understand that I'll learn from this but how?? My brain is weak! I feel helpless! Other people look me up because of the way I think but in reality I know to myself that I'm stupid and dumb. I can't even master the grammar rules! And yes, my client is right I can speak and write English but I can't understand because if I do I won't make mistakes. I'm depressed and I know I have to put the burden and worries to you but I can't help but to think of it every second. But above all, I thank you Lord for giving me this moment. I know you will use my weaknesses. Your plans are good and I can't wait to see the outcome. If I have to feel the way Jesus felt when he was nailed on the cross, I'll accept it. BUT PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING AND DON'T TURN AWAY FROM ME. I love you Lord and thank you!

Chapter 14: When God Seems Distant

"The Lord has hidden himself from his people, but I trust him and place my hope in him."

Isaiah 8:17 (TEV)

God is real no matter what you feel.

Have you ever experienced the feeling when the closest people you have at the moment appears to be MIA (missing-in-action) in your life when you needed them the most? That feeling really sucks especially when you feel alone and no one understand you. That happened to me and a lot of people (I'm sure!) in a numerous time. That's why I ended up choosing God as my best friend because I know he's always there to listen and guide me unlike human beings.

But guess what??

This chapter taught me that God can be like us in circumstances like this. And the funny thing is that, I've gone to this one, too. Having a problem and hearing nothing from God? Do you know that it is God's intention to stay away from you? Okay, yea, he promised that He will never leave us but He never promised that we will feel his presence at all times!

Why is HE doing this to us?

Well the answer is just simple, he wants us to learn! He wants to feel the deepest level of worship from you. Like what I said from the previous chapters, God gets the deepest and sincerest kind of praise and prayer when we are in pain or suffering.

Now, imagine if God is always there to listen and respond to us, we'll probably think that it's okay to have sinned because God will always talk to me. It's okay to have nonsense conversation with God, at least I'm talking to him, better nonsense than never. It's okay to do stuff that will hurt us because God is always there to comfort us when we are in pain. See? We maybe saying lots of those when we needed him the most. The only way to show God how much we love him is through deep worships and prayers.

It is a test of faith. God is always around even if we are unaware of it, but he's testing us! Feelings and emotions never pleases him but the faith itself when life falls apart.

Now, what can we do when God is no where to be found?

*Tell God exactly how you feel.

Unload those emotions. God is the best listener in the world. He listens attentively even if he already knows what you have to say. You maybe look stupid unloading your emotions knowing the fact that you can't feel his presence but believe it or not, that makes God smile at you! Still trusting him despite the fact that he's hiding from you.

*Focus on who God is -- his unchanging nature.

Humans are capable of changing but not God. Now when you feel that God is million miles away from you, the best way to do is always remind yourself that he is around. That he loves you, that he cares for you and that he knows what you're going through. In my case, when I feel down and get no response from him, I always convince myself that he might be busy helping out other people suffering 100% worst than I have at the moment and from that, I feel better. :)

*Trust God to keep his promises.

Circumstances change human beings in a very lightning speed. Like some Christians can easily turn away from God when they can't feel his presence but NOT GOD! When he is not around but you continue to trust him, that way you're showing him how much you love and value him as your creator. Remember, you can't feel him at that moment because he is busy taking your maturity to a deeper level. So be thankful! :)

*Remember what God has done to you.

Above all the things he done for you, do you think it is right to convince yourself that he is not real simply because he didn't respond in one of the crest fallen circumstances of your life? Don't you think it's unfair for you to think that way? Okay, some of you may think he never has done anything for you. But knowing Jesus died for our sins just to live forever is a huge reason to thank Him. The God's son died for you! We owe him big time! That's why we deserve our praise until the last breathe of our lives.

Note to God:

Hello Lord! It's been awhile but I'm starting to think that these posts are not meant to post right after I read them 2 months ago. It refreshes my mind. And I'm thankful that in this way I keep writing something about you. My life keeps changing because of you. I know you can see the difference. And you're always near since the day I surrendered my life to you. So I'm so thankful for that but when that time comes, when you have to stay away, you still owe my praise and my love. I'll never stop talking to you even if I look crazy and stupid. That's how I trust you and even if it's really painful, I will never turn away from you. I love you! :)