I've been working in a Canadian company for almost three months. And I have to say, it's a new horizon for me. My current job is exactly the opposite of the first one. Like before, I used to talk a lot where my jaw hurts because I teach English to Koreans and now my jaw still hurts not for talking a lot but because I sometimes don't speak at all. So, yes, my job doesn't required verbal communication. Almost all transaction happens through email and chat. Which is easy for other people but for me? I don't think so.
So after graduating from the training, I got paired up with one of the well-known account we have in the company. Everything was so fast. I remember, one night my boss asked me if I have a photo shop experience and I said "yes" because I really have and I didn't just say that to please him and got me paired with a client. But I told him that I'm not really an expert but I'm not a beginner, so I can't weigh my skill. And so for that, I was asked to take a Photoshop quiz with a potential client (which is my current client) via Skype. I was asked to do a feature sheet and my screen was shared while I was working on that so she could see if I really know how to use the software. And the next day the new contract was right in my fingertips. It was really fast.
And so I'm working with my client for almost two months now. And the truth is I'm really loving my job. My Photoshop skill is improving because I use it every day and I get to learn different stuff every day. I'm not a computer geek, every one knows that. My client is very approachable and nice but one thing about her is that she is very picky and strict. Well, my bosses warned me about that. She's a grammar and spelling Nazi. That's why it takes a long time for me to compose or answer an email for her clients because I have to watch out every words I send. So my couple of weeks with her was great. She was happy helping me out with everything and very very patient though I know she's just trying.
And the thing about me is that, I keep mistaking a lot!! I hate myself for that! I feel really stupid every time I make mistakes and it hurts me. Why? Because her instructions are very clear but then I can't give her the right thing she's asking me to do. And the other day, that pissed her off big time. She verbally punched me between the eyes. And I was so speechless. I really didn't know what to say because I know it was my fault.
And right now, I feel so down, stupid and helpless. I know God wants me to learn something and I understand that. My weaknesses are intolerable in the work place. I know I'm not perfect and I'm starting to accept all my weaknesses but I don't know.. as of this moment it feels like I just want the world to stop and runaway. God is telling me that it's not a good idea to escape to something that would make me grow and better. I know for a fact that I have to trust God but I can't just stand the heaviness I have in my chest at this very moment. I know this is just a challenge but I can't help but to feel ashamed because I know that I'm a real pain in my client's butt. I deserve to be fired of all the errors I've made. And if she will kick me out in the account that would be fine because I understand her. But I really love what I'm doing!!!! I want to stay in the account. I'm helping my self to improve and to be better and more importantly, not to make mistakes. I wish she would give me a second chance though I can feel the coldness between the two of us.
LORD! This is really hard!!! I am crying out to you!! And I know you're hearing me! Why am I so stupid? Well, you just said I'm not and I understand that I'll learn from this but how?? My brain is weak! I feel helpless! Other people look me up because of the way I think but in reality I know to myself that I'm stupid and dumb. I can't even master the grammar rules! And yes, my client is right I can speak and write English but I can't understand because if I do I won't make mistakes. I'm depressed and I know I have to put the burden and worries to you but I can't help but to think of it every second. But above all, I thank you Lord for giving me this moment. I know you will use my weaknesses. Your plans are good and I can't wait to see the outcome. If I have to feel the way Jesus felt when he was nailed on the cross, I'll accept it. BUT PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING AND DON'T TURN AWAY FROM ME. I love you Lord and thank you!
